Why Don't You Stay
by purplepagoda
Summary: She's supposed to be with Cassidy, but what happens when Olivia finds Nick on her doorstep? Will they fall together, or fall apart? Will Olivia choose the right man? Only time will tell.
1. Come A Little Closer

It's nearly midnight, and she's half asleep on her couch. She rises to her feet, tired, from a long day. She moves towards the door, in her bare feet. She looks through the peephole, and she unchains the door. She pulls the door towards her, and she looks at him questioningly. His tie is no longer knotted, instead it is just draped around his neck. The top button of his shirt is unbuttoned, and the jacket to his suit is no where to be found. He looks a little rough. He looks up at her.

"What are you doing here?" she questions, with a furrowed brow.

"I wanted to apologize," he tells her.

She motions for him to come in. He steps in, and she closes the door.

"You're alone?" he wonders.

"Yeah," she nods. Leaving, some things unsaid.

"Look, I am sorry for the way that I acted. I just wanted you to know that I know I acted like a jerk. I'm sorry."

"It is ok. I know that you have a lot going on."

"No, it's not ok," he argues.

She looks at him, and a moment of silence falls between him. She looks at her partner. He's tired, and weary, his world has just been turned upside down, thanks to her boyfriend. The word boyfriend echoes in her mind. Who was she kidding? Brian would always be a boy. She shakes off the feeling of regret, and pushes the thought of doubt from her mind. She watches him, waiting for him to say something.

He looks at her, and for the first time he sees it. Her tough exterior, it's all because she's still looking, for what's missing. She hasn't found it yet, he tells himself. It's a shame she's with such a loser. She deserves better. She deserves whatever she wants, and he's pretty sure Cassidy isn't it. He wonders how long it will take her to see that. He shakes the thought from his mind, and focuses his attention on her face.

She looks into his dark eyes, and she feels herself being drawn to him, like a magnet. She tries to fight it, but she's tired, so tired. She remains perfectly, trying to listen to the voice of reason in her head. Her heart beats rapidly, trying to scream louder than her brain.

Finally he breaks the silence, "Liv are you ok?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You look emotionally drained," he points out.

"I am not the only one," she reminds him.

He looks down, and realizes how he must look. His tie is barely draped around his neck. His jacket is in the car. He hasn't shaved in a couple of days, and he's barely slept. He probably looks like a hobo, and she stands there, in front of him, looking like a movie star, even though she's in her pajamas.

"How is it, that your whole life can change in one instant, without you even knowing it?"

She shrugs, "I don't know."

"I don't want to live with regrets," he admits.

"Neither do I," she agrees.

He swallows, and she watches as his adam apple bobs. She's wearing an old t-shirt, and a pair of sweat pants. Her hair is still damp, and she's not wearing any make-up. She wants to step closer, but she doesn't. Instead, she pushes away the silence that fills the void between them.

"It's funny how timing is everything."

He nods, "Yeah, but maybe, while we're waiting for life to happen, we're missing all of the things we were supposed to be living."

She doesn't say anything. She allows the silence to wash over them, once again. He can feel it, too. He doesn't want to fight it. He takes a step towards her. Her breath hitches. Her subconscious tries to warn her. It screams at her. He knows the difference between right and wrong. His lips curl into a devilish smile. If he's going to be wrong, she's the one person he wants to be wrong with.

"You should go," she says, just above a whisper.

"If you want me to go, just say the word," he responds.

She takes a step closer to him. She feels herself drawn in by his tired smile.

"But, maybe you should stay," she adds.

"Sounds like you're not sure," he takes another step in her direction.

"There are a lot of things that I'm not sure of," she admits, pacing towards him.

"Maybe I need to convince you," he offers.

He's close enough for her to feel his breath on her. "It wouldn't take much."

He closes the gap, between them. His lips stop, next to her ear. He whispers, "Then I'll try."

She doesn't say anything, as he kisses her neck. She takes the tie, from around his neck, and tosses it on the ground. His fingers rest under the base of her skull, in her hair. She doesn't hesitate. Neither does he. Her lips press against his, and for the first time, in a long time, she feels alive, again.

For the first time, all day, he isn't thinking about how hellish his day has been. His mind doesn't go anywhere near the fact that his entire life has just changed. The only thing he can think about is her lips on his.

Her mind doesn't wonder to her boyfriend, for a second. She doesn't think about fidelity, or trust, or betrayal. She doesn't consider how wrong this is. It doesn't even register that she's kissing her partner.

He moves slowly, and deliberately, knowing that they are crossing a line. In honesty, he doesn't care that they are crossing a professional boundary. He only cares about her, in the moment.

She doesn't hesitate, or consider the consequences. She reaches for his shirt. Her fingers gracefully undo the buttons on his shirt. She pulls the shirttails out of his pants.

He allows the dress shirt to fall to the ground. He reaches for her shirt, and it comes off just as easily.

No alarm bells go off in her head, as she peels his undershirt off of him. No red flag flies up, as their clothes fall to the floor, piece by piece.

There are no voices in his head, telling him that he shouldn't be here, that he shouldn't be doing this. He doesn't think about what will be said, in the morning light.

There are no rationalities, or thoughts of reason, as they make their way to the couch. He lowers her to the couch.

She presses her hand against his chest. He leans back, wondering if she's throwing up a stop sign. She smiles, and switches places with him.


	2. Need You Now

He wakes up, in a bed that isn't his. He looks over, and finds himself in tangled sheets, next to his partner. The digits on her alarm clock tell him it isn't quite daylight. He looks over at her, and she's sound asleep. He wonders if he should slip out, or he should just wait until morning. Instantly he remembers that she has a boyfriend. He slips out of the bed, quickly, and quietly. He gathers his clothes, in an attempt to make a quick exit.

She rolls over, in the middle of the night, and the other side of the bed is still warm. Half asleep, she wonders where he is. She opens her eyes, and the clock tells her, it's just after three. She's tangled in her own sheets. She's naked, and alone. It hits her, as she tries to untangle the sheets, and she smells his cologne on the pillow. She hears someone, in the other room. She grabs the sheet, and slides out of bed.

She goes into the living room, and finds him trying to put his clothes on. She touches his shoulder.

"Where are you going?" she questions.

"I shouldn't be here," he reminds her.

He has only successfully managed to get his boxers on. She whispers in his ear, "Who's going to tell?"

His shirt falls back to the ground. He turns around and looks at her. She's wrapped in a sheet. He doesn't say anything. She holds the sheet around her, with one hand.

"Come back to bed," she insists.

"We shouldn't..."

She cuts him off, "I don't want to talk about it."

He nods, and follows her back to the bedroom. He crawls into bed, next to her. He looks over at her, as she smoothes out the covers.

"What are we doing here?"

She shakes her head, as she turns off the light, "Shh!"

* * *

The following morning, at work, they maintain their professionalism. Clearly, she doesn't want to talk about it, and in all honesty, he doesn't mind. It's business as usual. Except for the part, where he's sitting at his desk, thinking about her. He doesn't say anything to her, when she leaves for dinner, with Cassidy.

* * *

She sits across the table, from her boyfriend. She chews slowly, and says nothing. He finishes a swig of his beer, and he looks up at her. He studies her, in silence, for a moment. She is to caught up in her own thoughts, to notice that he is even looking at her. He clears his throat, but she remains entangled in thoughts of the events that transpired the previous night.

"Olivia?"

She looks up, from her plate, making eye contact. "Huh?" she answers.

"Are you ok? You've barely said anything, all night."

"I'm just tired," she admits.

"Is there something on your mind?"

She shakes her head, "No."

"You just seem distracted."

"I guess I was just thinking about my case."

"Of course."

"But, I will try not to think about it."

"That would be greatly appreciated."

"So, what do you want to do, tonight? Maybe we could rent a movie, and..."

She cuts him off, "I would love to..."

"But?"

"I'm exhausted. I spent twelve hours at work, and I'm just not really up for it, tonight."

"Ok. Rain check, then?"

"Ok," she agrees.

* * *

She leaves the restaurant, but she doesn't go home. She finds herself on the doorstep, of her partner. She hesitates, a moment, before she knocks. Her conscious screams at her, that this is all a bad idea. She ignores everything it tells her, and knocks on the door, anyway. She hears footsteps coming towards her. The door comes open. He doesn't say a word, he just steps aside, and lets her in. He closes the door behind her.

"What are you doing here?"

She doesn't answer him.

"Olivia, I don't know that this is a good idea."

She smiles, "Are you here, alone?"

"Who else would be here?"

She shrugs.

"It's not like I get to see my kids whenever I want to, so there is nobody here."

"Ok."

"Liv, we shouldn't do this," he tries to reason with her, as he simultaneously attempts to reign himself in.

"I know," she admits.

"But you're still here."

"Because, I don't care."

"This may end badly," he adds.

She doesn't say anything. She slips her scarf off, and tosses her coat on the coat rack. She doesn't wait for him to make a move. She presses her lips against his. She doesn't back down.

She rolls over, and looks at the clock. He rolls towards her.

"Go to sleep," he tells her.

"I should go, it's getting late."

"Liv, just go to sleep."

"But..."

"Do you ever relax?" He wonders.

She just laughs.

"Seriously," he begins, in a stern voice, "go to sleep."

She rolls on top of him. She straddles him. She presses her lip against his ear. She whispers, "Make me."

* * *

The following morning Munch comes back from his crime scene. He stops at Olivia's desk. Her arms rest on her desk. Her head rests on her arms.

"Olivia, what time are you supposed to be in court?"

She sits up, and looks at him. "What time is it?"

"Ten til nine."

"Shit, I have to be there by nine."

"You better get going."

She pushes her chair out, and grabs her purse, and her phone.

"Thanks," she tells him, as she heads for the door.

"Maybe you should cool it with the late nights," John suggests.

She doesn't say anything, she just heads towards the open elevator doors.


	3. Timing Is Everything

They're in the squad room, Friday evening. Most of them are finishing up paperwork, just waiting for the phone to ring, telling them that they have a case, and thus in turn ruining their weekends. Nick looks up from his paperwork.

"So does anybody have big plans, this weekend?" he questions.

John shakes his head, and reaches for the phone. Fin smiles, "Yeah I'm on call."

"Ladies?" he looks towards Olivia, and Amanda.

"Since Brian is working, I'm just planning on running errands."

"I'll probably just hang around, at home, until the phone rings, and ruins my weekend," Amanda admits. "What about you, Nick?"

"Tomorrow I am going to see my son, for a while."

"Good for you," Olivia comments.

"You know, Liv," Amanda begins, "We should go out for drinks."

"We, as in who? Have you ever drank with any of them?"

"They aren't invited."

"I don't know."

"Come on, what else are you going to do, go home and do laundry?"

"Fine," she agrees.

* * *

A few hours later, they're sitting at the bar. They have each had a couple of drinks. Amanda looks over at Olivia.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Olivia nods.

"How long have you and Brian been together?"

"A while."

"As in?"

"Several months," Olivia admits.

"It's just weird for me, I guess."

"That I didn't tell you?" she raises an eyebrow.

Amanda shakes her head, "We're co-workers, we're not BFF's. That isn't what I meant, anyway."

"What did you mean?"

"He just isn't really your type."

"My type? Since when do you know what my type is?"

"You like them tall, dark, and handsome."

"That has been known to be true," she agrees.

"And, you usually pick out men that you shouldn't be with."

"I guess that has happened a time, or two."

"He is a nice enough guy, but he's not the one, is he?"

"How would you know?"

"I guess, from my perspective, it seems like you're settling. He is a nice guy, but he's not spectacular. He is just mediocre."

"I shouldn't have to defend my romantic choices to you."

"Your relationships have a tendency..."

Olivia cuts her off, "To end badly, yeah, I know."

"So I can understand why you want to play it safe."

"But?"

"But isn't that as boring as hell? Maybe there is something here that I'm missing."

"I like Brian, he's a nice guy."

"So you are honestly telling me that you didn't give him a second chance, because you felt sorry for him? The two of your getting together had nothing to do with you feeling guilty about writing him off, the first time?"

"Maybe," she confirms.

"How long do you think that it's going to last?"

"Why does it matter?" Olivia questions.

"You're already getting bored, aren't you? I mean do you really foresee yourself marrying him? I don't. He is a safe choice, but I don't know if I see you being happy with him, for the rest of your life," Amanda explains.

"Thank you for the analysis of my relationship, but can we move on, now?"

"Is there something that I am missing?"

"There is always something, isn't there?"

"I just feel like you're hiding something," Amanda adds.

"We're cops, Amanda, we're always hiding things, even from ourselves."

"I thought that you were hiding something, before you started seeing Brian."

"How do you know when I started seeing him?" Olivia queries.

"I assume that it was after you worked with him."

"Yes, it was."

"You've been hiding something, since before that."

"Like what?" Olivia raises an eyebrow.

Amanda shrugs, "I don't know, why don't you tell me?"

"I don't know if Brian is the one."

"But?"

"I have spent my entire life playing by the rules. I always do everything by the book. It has gotten me absolutely nowhere. So, I am done. I don't want to play by the rules anymore," Olivia admits.

"What are you telling me?"

"For the first time in my life, I am living for me, and not worrying how it's going to turn out."

"With Brian?" Amanda questions, with a constipated look on her face.

"Brian is safe. He is stable, and he's familiar."

"But?"

"I don't know."

"I didn't see a spark," Amanda points out.

"I don't know if there is one."

"So, what part of your life are you not playing by the rules? Being with him defines playing by the rules."

"There is someone else."

"What?!" Amanda stares at her, in shock.

"There is someone else," Olivia reveals.

"You have two boyfriends?"

"No. I have one boyfriend."

"And the other one? What is he?"

Olivia shrugs, "I don't know. I just know that I have fun with him."

"So is he the one?"

"I don't know, probably not."


	4. Hard To Love

"Are you being serious right now? I can't tell?"

"Maybe."

"Are you? How long have you been seeing this other guy?"

"We aren't really seeing each other. It's not like we're going out for dinner and a movie."

Amanda raises an eyebrow, "Are you going out at all."

"In fact, what's going on, between us, has been going on for a while."

"Longer than you've been with Brian?"

"Yes."

"Does Brian know?"

"No. Why would I tell him that?"

"Does the other guy know?"

"Yeah."

"Did he always know?"

"No."

"I underestimated you," Amanda realizes.

Olivia's lips curl into a smile, "A lot of people do."

"Any chance you're going to tell me who it is?"

"Not in a million years, over my dead body."

"Can I guess?"

"Nope."

The phone on her hip starts buzzing. She grabs it, and looks at the incoming text message. It's blank. She finishes her drink, and grabs her coat.

"Where are you going?" Amanda wonders.

"I have to get home, I have errands, you know."

"At midnight, on a Friday? I doubt that."

Olivia pays her tab, and leaves the bar. Amanda slowly sips her drink, and continues to watch highlights from the basketball game, earlier in the night. Olivia hops into a cab, and makes sure that Amanda isn't following her.

* * *

She pays the taxi driver, and grabs her purse. She slides out of the backseat. She heads down the sidewalk, towards her destination. She walks an entire block, before she gets to where she's going. Maybe she's a little bit paranoid, but she reminds herself that as a cop she has had stranger things happen to her. She walks up the three steps to his door. The door comes open, before she knocks. She knows he's been waiting on her. She steps inside, and he takes her coat from her. He pulls her close and smiles. He whispers into her ear.

"What took you so long?"

"I couldn't get away. I'm here now."

"I can see that."

* * *

She slides out his bed, just before seven, the following morning. She collects her clothes, and heads for the shower. He's lying in bed, sound asleep, when he hears the shower turn on. He sits up in bed, and looks around. He crawls out of bed, and heads to the bathroom.

He pushes the bathroom door open, quietly, and slips in. He makes his way to the shower, and he stops, inches from it.

"You in a hurry to leave?"

"I have somewhere to be, this morning."

"When?"

"In about an hour. I still have to go home and change."

"Don't rush."

"Don't rush? That is your solution?"

He pulls the curtain back some. He looks at her. She shoots him a look, but she doesn't pull the curtain back.

"Blow it off," he begs.

"I can't."

He climbs into the shower with her. "Sure you can," he insists.

* * *

She manages to make it home. When she gets there, she heads inside, and changes her clothes. She grabs her phone, and realizes how close to eight it is. She sends Brian a text message that she overslept, and heads to the bathroom to finish drying her hair. She quickly puts on make-up. She tosses her clothes, from the previous day into the laundry hamper. She grabs the first decent looking, clean clothes that she can find. She grabs her stuff, and leaves the apartment.

She makes it to the previously agreed upon venue, for breakfast ten minutes late. He's sitting at a booth, with his cup of coffee, waiting on her. There is a fresh cup of hot tea sitting her spot. She smiles at him, apologetically.

"Sorry, I overslept."

"It's ok. It happens to the best of us."

"You look tired," she points out.

"I worked all night," he reminds her.

"You could have cancelled, I would have understood."

"I wanted to see you, before I headed to bed. It sucks that you have all weekend off, and I have to work."

"I'm sorry."

"What are you going to do with yourself?"

"I'll probably just do laundry, and clean a little. I am sure that my weekend will be cut short, by a phone call saying that I have to go to work."

"I have to say, I don't miss that one bit."

"I don't blame you. It gets old, real quick."

"I have missed you, though."

"We should order, you look hungry, too."

"You know what you want?""Yeah," she nods, "I know what I want."

* * *

She's on her way back from the diner. Brian walks next to her, holding her hand. Her phone rings. She pulls the phone out of her coat pocket. She looks at the number on the screen, and groans. She stops dead in her tracks.

"Benson? Yeah, I'll be there shortly," she hangs up.

"Work?" he guesses

"Yeah," she nods in confirmation.

He kisses her, "I'll see you later."

"Sorry we didn't get to spend the day together, like you had planned."

"It's ok. How is your partner holding up?"

The questions catches her off-guard, "What do you mean?"

"Since he found out he's got a son?" Brian asks.

"Shit!"

"What?" Brian raises an eyebrow.

"He's supposed to get visitation with his kid today."

"And you just got called into work, which means, he did too."


	5. Do You Wish It Was Me

She arrives at her crime scene, expecting to see her partner, and having to apologize for their victim ruining his weekend. Instead she finds Melinda by the body, and someone else. She makes it to the body, and looks over at the cop standing next to Melinda.

"Fin, what are you doing here?"

"I told the Captain I would take call this weekend."

She cuts him off, before he can finish, "Why?"

"Because I am a nice guy, and I know that your partner is supposed to get to see his kid this weekend."

"That is nice of you," she agrees.

"Like I said, I'm a nice guy."

Olivia looks at Melinda, "What have we got?"

"Jane Doe, raped, and beaten. No I.D. on her. Crime scene techs are looking for it now," Melinda reveals.

"She doesn't look very old. What is cause of death?"

"I'll know when I can get her back to the morgue, and get her cleaned up. There is too much blood on her for me to be able to tell much of anything."

* * *

They are on the elevator, later that day, heading to the morgue. Fin looks over at her.

"You know, you looked disappointed when you got to the crime scene, and realized it was me."

She furrows her brow, "I wasn't disappointed, I was just surprised."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"You know, you have been really quiet lately," Fin points out.

"What do you mean?"

"You used to talk about your dates, or your boyfriends, but you don't anymore."

"My private life is private."

"We all know about him," Fin reminds her.

"That doesn't mean that every detail of my personal live needs to be publicized."

"I agree, but you don't even mention him."

"Sure I do," she argues.

"Maybe when you're going to go meet him for dinner, or something."

"What are you trying to ask?"

"Why doesn't his name come up, in casual conversation?"

"Fin are you accusing me of something, here?"

"I guess I am just perplexed."

"By what, exactly?"

"Thirteen years ago, you completely wrote him off, what has changed?"

"I have," she insists.

"Not so much," he disagrees."Fin I don't question you about your girlfriends."

"I don't want to see either of you end up hurt."

"Why do you think someone is going to end up getting hurt?" she wonders.

"Because he's a nice guy."

"But?"

"I don't see any chemistry. He's a safe choice."

She shakes her head, in disbelief. "I am not having this conversation, again."

Fin furrows his brow, "What do you mean, again?"

"Amanda said the same thing."

"If I'm not the only one who notices it, then maybe you should listen."

She shakes her head, "I am not going to discuss this anymore."

* * *

She gets home, around eleven, from work. She sits down on the couch, with a glass of wine, and a migraine. Her phone buzzes, and she grabs it off the coffee table.

_How is your case going? You still working?_ She replies; _No, finally made it home._ He doesn't text back. If anything, they are cops first. Both of them know that the best way to keep things under control, is to have no evidence.

Fifteen minutes later, he's knocking at her door. She checks the peephole, and lets him in. She locks the door, behind him. He stops, in front of her. She wears a look of disgust on her face.

"Everything ok?"

"It was just a rough day at work," she admits.

He steps forward, "Turn around."

"Turn around?" she questions.

"You look tense let me rub your back."

"Nick, it's ok," she insists.

"Not a request," he reveals.

She sighs, and turns around. He begins rubbing her shoulders. She stands there, in silence letting her tension melt away. After a while, she turns around. She grabs his hand, and leads him into the bedroom.

* * *

She wakes up to the sound of someone knocking on her door. She looks over, and finds that Nick is still asleep in her bed. The clock reads _723_. She grabs a pair of clean pajamas out of the drawer, and pulls on her robe. She makes her way out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her. She walks past the couch, towards the door. She checks the peephole, and swallows hard. She unlocks the door, opening it towards her.

"Morning," he smiles.

"Morning."

"You look surprised to see me."

"Yeah, I was asleep."

"I thought we could go for breakfast."

"I should take a shower, and..."

"I'll wait."

"Why don't I meet you? You know how long it can take me."

"I don't mind."

She prays that he doesn't lean in to kiss her, knowing that she smells like someone else's cologne.

"Don't you want to go home, and shower, you're still in your uniform," she points out.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"We could shower together," he suggests.

"Except you don't have any clean clothes here."

"You're saying that I stink?"

"I didn't say that."

"Fine, I'll go home and shower. Meet me in an hour, at our usual spot?"

"Ok," she agrees, with a forced smile.


	6. Someone Else Calling You Baby

She closes the door, after he turns to leave. She locks it, behind him. She turns around, and heads towards her room. She turns the doorknob, and pushes it open. She looks at the room. It looks as if a tornado has ripped through the room. There are clothes all over the floor. A pillow lays on the floor, at the end of the bed. Her covers are twisted, and tangled. She reaches down, and picks up the pillow. She chucks it at the head of the man laying in her bed, sound asleep. She hits him in he head. His eyes open. He instantly notices the panicked look on her face.

"Liv, you ok?"

"No, you have to go."

"You look like you just saw a ghost, what's wrong?"

"Do you have any idea how close we just came to getting caught?"

"What are you talking about?"

"How could you sleep through that?" she wonders.

"Through what?"

"Someone knocking on the door."

"I was sound asleep. Who was it?"

"Brian."

"Oh, shit. Is he still here?"

"No. He left."

"Is he suspicious?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"So, I should go?"

"I have to get in the shower, and meet him in an hour."

"Ok, I'll go."

"You can't go out the front door," she tells him.

"Excuse me?"

"If he is suspicious he'll wait in the hallway for you."

"He's a cop," Nick reminds him.

"Go down the fire escape."

"He's a cop, he would expect that," Nick points out.

"Nick."

"Maybe it's time you came clean," he suggests.

"I am not ready to do that."

"I am going out the front door," Nick reveals, as he gathers his clothes.

"Whatever," she rolls her eyes, as she heads for the bathroom.

"Olivia?"

She turns and looks at him, "What?"

"We don't have to do this anymore," he reminds her.

"I never said that is what I wanted."

"What do you want?"

"We can't do this, here. Your place from now on."

"Fine," he agrees.

She heads into the bathroom. He finishes collecting his clothes, and leaves the room. He leaves the apartment. He feels relieved when he reaches the street, and finds that no one is watching him, or following him.

She climbs out of the shower, and quickly dries off. She dries her hair, and puts on her make up. She puts on her clothes, and heads back into her room. She peels the sheets off, and tosses them in the laundry hamper. She grabs a fresh set from her closet, and makes the bed. Luckily, they are two identical sets of sheets. No one would ever know the difference.

* * *

That night, she's lying in bed, half asleep.

"Olivia, what's going on?" the voice lying next to her asks.

"I'm half asleep," she reminds him.

"I'm wide awake."

"What are you talking about?"

"You've been distant lately. Is there something going on with you that I need to know about?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"I feel like you're pushing me away," he admits.

"I am not pushing you anywhere."

"Olivia, if there is something bothering you, just tell me."

"You know what bothers me?"

"What?"

"The fact that you don't trust me enough to think that I wouldn't tell you if something was going on in my life."

"I'm sorry. You know I don't have the best track record with relationships."

She looks over at him, in disbelief, "And I do?"

"I just don't want to screw this up."

"Go to sleep," she begs.

"I'm not tired," he insists.

"I am."

"I'm wide awake."

"I am going to sleep."

"Liv, come on. I never get to see you."

"Brian, it's one o'clock in the morning."

"Then I am going to go. Clearly you are annoyed with me."

"I didn't say you had to go."

"I am going to go, and I'll call you tomorrow. Get some rest," he slides out from under her covers.

He watches as he slips his shirt on. "You don't have to go."

"We can pick this conversation up at a later date, when you're in a better mood."

"What, so now I'm just a moody girl?"

He nods, "Yeah, you are."

She wants to scream, in frustration. He walks around the bed, to her side. He kisses her, and leaves the apartment. She hears the door close. She lies in bed, completely frustrated.

* * *

He answers the door in his pajamas. He opens the door, and just looks at her, in confusion. He lets her come in, despite the bewildered look on his face. He closes the door, and locks it.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Five thirty," she confirms.

"Liv what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep anymore."

"We have to be at work in a couple of hours."

"I know. Do you want me to go."

He smiles, "No I didn't say that. I am just surprised that you're here. I thought that you were spending the night with Prince charming."

"He went home."

"So you're here on my doorstep? Liv you can't keep doing this."

"You don't want to do this anymore?" she questions.

"I meant to yourself."

"I just want to be happy."

"And you think that this is the solution?"

She doesn't answer him. She slips off her jacket, and tosses it on his couch. She kisses him.


	7. Alone With You

She enters the squad room. She finds that she's the first to arrive. She hands her jacket on the back of her chair, and has a seat. She pulls open the bottom drawer, on the left hand side of her desk. She tosses her purse inside. She pulls her phone off the clip on her belt, and places it on the surface of her desk. She reaches for a manila file, and opens it up. She grabs an ink pen out of the holder in the middle of her desk. She flips towards the back, and finishes filing the paperwork out. She hears footsteps, and looks up to find Amanda entering the room.

"You're here early," Olivia comments.

"I need to get caught up on some paperwork, what about you?"

"The same, and I couldn't sleep."

The words are out of Amanda's mouth before her filter can kick in, "Guilty conscience keeping you up?"

Olivia looks up from her file, at the colleague standing at the end of her desk. She shoots her a look, "Excuse me."

Amanda shakes her head, "I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from."

"I do..."

Amanda cuts her off, "It was totally uncalled for. I'm sorry."

Olivia doesn't respond.

"Can I ask you one question, though?"

Olivia shrugs.

"Aren't you afraid that you're going to get caught?"

"No."

"Or that it will blow up in your face?" Amanda continues.

"I thought that you had paperwork to do," is her response, as she keeps her eyes on her papers.

* * *

Later that night, she's just gotten out of the shower, and she's standing in front of her mirror, in a towel. She's just finished drying her hair. She wipes the mirror off with a towel. She looks at herself, in silence. Amanda's words echo in her head. She tries to shake it off, but she can't.

"She's right you know," she tells herself, "The only way that this can end is badly," she reminds herself.

Her reflection in the mirror does not impress. She has dark circles under her eyes. Not that she's surprised, she hasn't been getting very much sleep. She thinks about the situation that she's in. She swallows hard, trying not to cry. The thought hits her, that if the roles were reversed, and Amanda were in her situation, she would be judging her harshly. She would be lecturing her, and telling her that it wasn't a good idea. She reminds herself that she is old enough to know better.

She puts on moisturizer, and brushes her teeth. She pulls on clean pajama's, and she puts her wet towel on the hook on the wall. She leaves the room. She heads to her bed, and finds the basket of clean laundry on her bed. She dumps the contents of the basket onto the center of the bed, and tosses the basket on the floor. She folds the clean linens in silence. Once they are folded she grabs the pile, and takes it to the closet. She places the two fresh sets of sheets, and pillowcases on the shelf.

She returns to her bed, and wonders if the men in her life think she has OCD. Chances are neither of them would notice the transition from white to grey sheets, right? They only transitioned at least once a week. Not to mention neither of them knew she had two identical sets of each. She pushes the thought from her mind, too tired to care.

The lamp, sitting on the nightstand next to her illuminates the room. She reaches over, and unloads her gun. She opens the drawer to place her gun, and badge inside. She pushes the box inside to the side, to make room. She secures the gun, and badge in her drawer. She stares guiltily at the box. She takes it out, and closes the drawer. She looks inside, and realizes that it's empty.

She climbs out of bed, and goes into the bathroom, to throw the box away. She opens the medicine cabinet, but doesn't find what she's looking for. She leaves the bathroom, and heads into the living room. She stops at the couch, and reaches under the cushion for strategically hidden wrappers. She can't find any. She pulls the cushions off, and finds that there aren't any. She turns the lamp in the living room off, and returns to her room. She climbs into bed, knowing the number one item on her next shopping list, as a responsible adult.

* * *

The following night, she and her partner are the only two people left in the squad room. She has called Brian, so he knows she won't be able to make their plans. Even the captain has left. They work on their case, tirelessly. He sits in front of the dry erase board, in a chair. He studies it, and then refers back to the case file sitting on his lap. She walks up behind him, and pats him on the shoulder. He looks back at her.

"Nick, it's after two in the morning. We have been at this since eight am, yesterday, why don't you go take thirty."

"I am fine," he insists.

"Go."

"Ok," he agrees, reluctantly.

Twenty five minutes later she enters the crib. She flips on the light, and walks over to the bunk that he's in. She squats down, and places her hand on his shoulder. His eyes fly open.

"I think I've got something," she reveals.

He smiles at her.

She knows where his mind is headed, "On the case."

His smile disappears. "Yeah, ok," he nods.

"Come on, I'll show you."

She turns to go. He grabs her wrist, as she steps away.

"Wait."

She looks at him, and his pleading eyes. "No."

"Live a little."

She looks at the open door. She shakes her head, "We have work to do."

"Fine," he follows her out of the room.

Her lead turns out to be nothing. Nearly an hour later she grabs her purse, and leaves her desk.

"Where are you going?" he wonders.

"I smell like a gym locker. I am going to go put some deodorant on," she reveals, as she opens her locker, "and put a fresh shirt on."

"Okay."

She's in the locker room, buttoning her shirt, when she hears someone come in. She turns around, and finds exactly who she's expecting.

"What are you doing?" she whispers.

He steps closer.

"We can't," she insists, "Not here."

"There is no one here," he tells her, as he leans in, and kisses her.


	8. Tell Me How You Like It

She kisses him for a moment, but the magnitude of the situation hits her. She pulls away.

"What if someone were to walk in here, right now?"

"It is three thirty in the morning there is nobody here."

She exhales, knowing that he's right. She reaches for her purse. She reaches inside, and rifles through it, with her hand.

"What are you looking for?" he raises an eyebrow.

"You know what I'm looking for," she tilts her head, in disbelief.

"Hurry up," he insists, impatiently.

She sits the bag down, in disbelief.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"So..."

She shakes her head, and returns to buttoning her shirt, "No, there is nothing in there."

"Oh."

"Sorry."

He looks at her in frustration.

"Not going to happen," she tells him.

"Just check one more time," he begs.

She sits down on the bench, in front of the bay of lockers. She dumps out the contents of her purse on the bench, next to her. She tosses each item into the bag, one by one. Keys, lipstick, chapstick, mascara, taser, change, a couple of old receipts, a couple of hair ties, and her wallet.

"What about the wallet?" he questions.

She reaches back inside the bag, and pulls out the wallet. She unzips it. Inside she finds some cash, and ID, and some credit cards. She zips the main compartment back up, and flips it over. She unzips the side with change in it. She finds what she's looking for, inside. She pulls it out, and zips the wallet back up. She tosses the wallet back into her purse. She holds up the small red wrapper. He reaches for it.

"Wait."

"What?"

"I have no idea how long that has been in there."

He takes the wrapper from her, and checks the package. "It's not expired," he insists.

She takes it back from him, and examines it herself. She looks at the expiration date. He kisses her. She leans against the bay of lockers. After a few moments, she pushes him away.

"I can't. I don't want someone to catch us. I would like to keep my job," she tells him.

* * *

She finally makes it home after five o'clock in the evening, that night, after thirty two hours on the job. She showers, and crawls into bed. She wakes up to the sound of the phone ringing. She pulls it to her ear, praying that it's not work.

"Benson," she answers, with her eyes still closed.

"Did I wake you up?"

"Brian, why are you calling me in the middle of the night? Aren't you at work?"

"First of all it's only seven thirty. Second of all, I am off tonight, remember?"

"No, I have only been home since five."

"You just got in a couple of hours ago?"

"Yeah."

"You were at work for how long?"

"Thirty two hours."

"You caught the guy?"

"Yeah."

"I'm halfway to your place."

"Why?"

"You sound cranky. Don't you want to see me?"

"I just want some sleep right now. Can't you come see me in the morning?"

"I haven't seen you in days."

"Brian, please. I'm exhausted."

"Fine, I'll see you tomorrow."

"I still have to go to work tomorrow, you know."

"I'll stop by, before breakfast."

"Okay. Night," she hangs up. She tosses the phone in the bed, beside her.

* * *

When she gets to work, her partner comes in, a few steps behind her. He places a cup of coffee on her desk. She looks up at him, with gratitude.

"Thank you," she smiles, weakly.

Cragen comes out of his office. He looks at the two of them.

"Benson, Amaro, you have a case."

She groans, in disgust. "I haven't even had my coffee yet."

"It will have to wait," Don explains, "We have a triple homicide."

"Where at?" Amaro wonders.

"A small town about forty minutes from Hartford," Don reveals.

"Hartford? Isn't that way out of our jurisdiction?"

"Yeah. Do the two of you remember the guy that you collared yesterday?"

"How could we forget?" Olivia responds.

"He was here for ten days, and he killed eighteen people."

"We know," Amaro points out.

"But, before he left Connecticut he killed eight. They just found the last three early this morning. They want you to come help them with their investigation."

"Can't we just compare the case files?"

"He is originally from Connecticut. They said that there are a lot of missing persons they think they can tie to him, if they can find them, with your help. The two of you are familiar with him, you know how he operates, how he thinks. I want you to go. We need to nail this bastard," Cragen insists.

"I'm driving," Olivia responds.

* * *

An hour into their over two and a half hour drive, and there has been mostly silence, between them. He looks over at her, she focuses on the road.

"Are you ok?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" she asks, refusing to make eye contact.

"I don't know, you haven't said much all day."

"I'm tired. I woke up in the middle of the night, and couldn't get back to sleep. I finally did around three, and some rude person came, and woke me up around five."

"It wasn't me."

"I know that. I didn't say that it was."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be?"

He shrugs, "I don't know, you think that I make you violate your principles, or something."


	9. Tomorrow

"What are you talking about?"

"The locker room."

She briefly looks at him, "I do not want to discuss that."

"Because you're angry at me?"

"Because I am not proud of it. We had sex in the locker room at work."

"I don't think that we should do this anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because I think that it is effecting our partnership. That comes first."

"You're right, our partnership comes first," she agrees.

"And, I don't think that you know what you want."

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't want to be with him, but you refuse to admit that."

"Do I sense a note of jealousy, here?" Olivia questions.

"I am not jealous of him. I don't care what you do with him."

"Then why are you bringing it up?"

"Because you don't seem happy."

"You think that it's his fault?"

"You know what, I think that have to call it quits, before either of us gets hurt. I don't want one of us to say something we can't take back. It's best, if we put an end to this, and we focus on being partners. Right?"

She nods, "You're right. I think we have let this go too long."

"So we're agreed, we aren't going to do this, anymore."

"Ok."

* * *

They get orders from their captain to stay in Connecticut, until they can solve all of the open cases related to their perpetrator. They end up in a motel, near the interstate, that smells like stale cigarettes, and only has one bed.

"This is the best the department can do?" Nick questions as they enter the room.

"That isn't the issue. It is the only room I could find in a fifty mile radius, Nick. There is some sort of festival going on, that has attracted tourists."

"I guess I'll take the couch."

"Fine by me," she agrees, completely exhausted from their trip, and the eight hours spent with the local police department.

She heads into the bathroom, to take a shower. When she comes out, Nick is passed out on the bed, with the TV on. She rolls her eyes, and takes the remote from his hand. She flips off the TV, and gets into the bed, refusing to sleep on the couch. She gives him a shove, since he's in the dead center of the bed.

"Move over, and pick a side."

He wakes up, and looks over at her, in the dark. He doesn't move.

"Come on, you're being childish."

He scoots closer towards her. Her breath hitches. She breathes in the subtle smell of his cologne.

"Nick, what are you doing?" she questions him.

"Right," he recalls their earlier agreement.

She kisses him, anyway. He kisses her back. He puts his hand on the base of her skull, pulling him closer to her. His fingers rest in her wet hair.

* * *

They finally make it home, three days later. When she gets to her apartment, she finds Brian waiting outside. All she wants is a shower, and a full night worth of sleep. She drops her bag in the hallway, in front of her door, and forces a smile. He pulls her into a hug. He lets go, and then he kisses her. When he's finished she opens her door. He follows her in. He carries her bags inside.

"I missed you."

"I was only gone for three days."

"I know."

"I missed you too," she begins.

He cuts her off, "But?"

"I am exhausted."

"That is always your excuse. Aren't you happy to see me?"

"Brian, I don't know if I can keep doing this."

"Doing what? What are you talking about?"

"This. I get home, and you're waiting on me."

"I have missed you. Why can't you see that? I hardly ever get to see you."

"You want to spend every single free moment that you have with me. That isn't normal."

"It is, when you care about someone," he argues.

"I feel suffocated. I don't do clingy, you know that."

"You feel suffocated? I am not being clingy."

"I talk to you at least four times a day. You show up at my apartment, whenever you feel like it. I just feel overwhelmed."

"Olivia we are in a relationship. I just want to be with you. That is what happens, when you are in a relationship. If you don't want to spend time with me, then maybe we shouldn't be together."

"I never said that," she argues, her voice grows louder.

"Then what are you saying? You basically just said you don't want to spend time with me. You keep pushing me away. Why? Why won't you ever let anyone get close to you? What are you so afraid of?" his voice escalates, too.

"I am not afraid. I want to spend time with you, I just don't want to spend every single waking moment with you. I have to have time for me, too."

"You have had your entire life."

"Whoa! That isn't how it works. Yes, we are in a relationship, but that doesn't mean we don't still have boundaries. We do. There are still boundaries. I am still entitled to be able to have a little bit of personal space."

"I give your plenty of space. You spend very little time with me."

"I work all of the time. Do you hear yourself right now? You sound like a child."

"I am sorry that I want to spend time with my girlfriend."

"I want to spend time with you too."

"Just not now? You always have some excuse as to why you don't want to spend time together. You're too tired, or you have to be to work early. Olivia, I am beginning to think that you don't want to be with me."

"I didn't say that."

"If you want space, take it. Take all of the space that you need. I'm done. If you want to try this, at a later date, you have my number," he turns and heads for the door.

"Brian! Where are you going?"

"I'm gone. Take your time, and your space."

"So, you're just going to walk away, just like that?"

"What choice do you leave me?"


	10. Mr Wrong

She opens the door, and finds Olivia standing in front of her. Amanda looks at her, in confusion.

"Olivia, what are you doing here?"

She shakes her head, "I don't know," she admits.

"Come in," Amanda motions.

Olivia steps in, and Amanda closes the door.

"What's going on?"

"I was out for a walk, and I just ended up here."

"What's wrong?"

"You were right," Olivia reveals.

Amanda points to the couch. Olivia follows her into the living room, taking a seat on the couch.

"What are you talking about?"

"You were right."

"Right, about what?"

"I was wrong."

"What happened?"

"I ended things with..." she trails off.

"The other guy?" Amanda guesses.

"Yeah."

"It didn't end well?"

"It didn't as easily as either one of us had hoped. We agreed that it was over."

"But?"

"It wasn't quite over."

"Is it now?"

"It has to be," Olivia insists.

"Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe you are supposed to be with Cassidy."

"When I got home, earlier tonight, he was waiting on me. We had a huge argument about how I push him away, and how I feel like he's suffocating me."

"You said that?"

"Yeah," she confirms.

"So what happened?"

"He left. He told me to take all of the time, and space that I needed."

"Did you tell him about the other guy?"

"No."

"Do you think that he knew?"

"No."

"So it's over with him, too?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"Maybe it's for the best. Right?"

Olivia doesn't answer.

"Is there something else?"

"I just don't know how I could have been so stupid. What was I thinking? I mean I am not a teenager. I know better. I knew what could happen, and I didn't care."

"Did something happen?"

"Nothing, other than what always happens."

"It ends?"

"And I always end up hurt. This time I brought it on myself. I wasn't honest with Brian. The worst part is that I wasn't honest with myself. I don't know what made me think that I could make this work. What possessed me to think that any of this was ok?"

"Calm down."

"I am not this kind of person. I have never..."

"Olivia, it's ok. We all make bad choices sometimes."

"You're right."

"Maybe it's better that things ended. What if you had kept up with your juggling act, and something worse had happened?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, "You could have gotten caught."

"That almost happened. Brian came by my apartment one day, and he almost caught us."

"How did you do it? I mean how did you find the time?"

She shrugs, "I honestly don't know."

"So now what?"

"No I feel like an idiot."

"It could have been worse. Brian could have found out about the other guy. Or someone else could have found out. It could have been worse in a lot of ways."

"Such as?"

"You could have ended up with some STD you can't get rid of, or worse."

"What is worse than that?"

"You could have ended up pregnant, and have spend the rest of your life with a kid that you didn't plan."

"That is not even a possibility."

"Are you sure?"

"Neither of those things are a possibility."

"You're sure?"

"First of all I would never have even considered doing what I did, without using protection every single time."

"It doesn't always work," Amanda reminds her.

"I couldn't get pregnant even if I wanted to."

"You're sure about that?" Amanda raises an eyebrow.

Olivia simply nods.

"I get the feeling there is something that you aren't telling me."

"A couple of years ago I decided that I wanted a baby."

"You don't have one."

"Not for lack of trying," she reveals.

"What do you mean?"

"The adoption agencies turned me down."

"So you just gave up?"

"No," Olivia shakes her head, "I wasn't with anyone at the time, but I decided that I couldn't wait any longer. I looked into fertility treatments."

"And?"

"After the consultation they told me that I could never carry a child."

"Why not?"


	11. What Do You Want

"Because I have had too many blows to the abdomen. They wouldn't even consider allowing me to attempt to get pregnant."

"You should have found a different doctor."

"I saw three of them."

"So they told you that you couldn't get pregnant?"

"It wasn't so much that. The had a lot of doubt that I would be able to conceive at all, but they basically told me that if I did I would never be able to maintain a pregnancy."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"How could you? I never talk about it."

"Never?"

Olivia shakes her head, "I've never told anyone."

"I'm sorry that I brought it up."

"And, let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. That ship has sailed."

"If I ever find myself pregnant, you can have it. I don't want kids."

"You don't think you would change your mind?"

"No. I don't really like kids."

"You're just saying that."

"No, I truly don't. And, to be honest I am not mother material. I'm just not. My fuse is to short, and my temper is quick. My patience is thin, and my baggage is heavy, I would never consider throwing a child into the midst of all the chaos that is my life."

"That is what I used to think."

"You like kids."

"I didn't want to bring any into the world that I was living in."

"You changed your mind?"

She nods, "But it was too late for me to do anything about it."

"I'm sorry."

"Can we talk about something else?"

"Are you going to try to fix things with Brian?"

She shrugs, "I don't know."

"So are you going to try fix things with the other guy, in hopes that he's the one?"

"I never thought that he was the one."

"Maybe he was."

"He wasn't."

"How do you know?"

"I just know."

* * *

She lies in bed that night, wide awake. She stares up at the ceiling, as thoughts whir around her head. She tries not to let the events of the day get to her, but she can't avoid what is painstakingly obvious. The common thread in all of her failed relationships is her. Maybe she has always been lying to herself. Maybe she doesn't want to find the one. If she does why does she keep pushing all of the men in her life away? Why doesn't she ever let anyone get too close?

* * *

He rolls over, in bed, expecting to find a warm body, next to him. All the finds is a cold pillow. He opens his eyes, and realizes that she isn't there. His face rests on the pillow she usually sleeps on. He takes a deep breath. It still smells like her. He wonders if she's thinking about him. He wonders if they weren't partners if maybe, just maybe it could work. How could it? He lied to her. He isn't ok just being the other man.

* * *

He patrols the building. He thinks about how much he hates the stupid uniform. He wonders if he should go crawling back to her, and apologize? No, she is the one who is wrong. She's the one that pushed him away. He deserves an apology. He shakes the thought from his head. He knows that his pride will only get in the way, if he really wants her back.

* * *

A week has passed since everything fell apart. Olivia hasn't spoken to Brian since their argument. Her conversations with her partner are short, and forced, focusing only on their work. She's barely walked in the door, when someone is knocking. She vacates her seat on the couch, and goes to the door. She doesn't look out the peep hole. She simply unchains the door, and pulls it open. The party on the other side looks at her, with big brown eyes.

"Can I some in?" he asks, in a suave tone.

She simply nods. He steps in, and she closes the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to apologize."

"For what?" Olivia raises an eyebrow.

"I feel like I pushed you into this whole thing. I never meant to do any harm to our partnership. I feel like things are more awkward now, than when we were together. It's all my fault."

"No, it's not."

"I crossed a line, I'm sorry. I just hope you can forgive me, and we can go back to the way things were."

"Forgive you? Nick, I don't remember you being the one who started this whole thing," she points out.

"What do you remember?" he wonders.

"Being on a stake out, for sixteen hours, in the freezing cold."

He smiles, "I almost forgot about that."

"That is how it all started," she reminds him.

* * *

_It's freezing cold outside. They sit in their squad car, watching out the window, for their target. Olivia takes a deep breath. When she exhales she can see her breath. He looks over at her._

_"You cold?"_

_"I'm fine," she lies._

_"You can have my coat," he offers._

_She locks eyes with him. For the first time, she sees a man, instead of just her partner. She smiles at him, and marvels at his generosity, knowing that he is equally as cold as she is. They have been sitting in the car, at an abandoned warehouse, for four hours. It's just after midnight. He exhales. It's the only warmth in the car._

_He looks at her, thinking how badly he wants her. He thinks about how wrong it is, to have feelings about his partner. From day one, he had to attempt to hide how amazing he thought that she was. He notices how red her nose is. He knows that she's got to be freezing. He swallows hard, and decides that he doesn't want to fight it anymore. But his conscious reminds him not to cross the line._

_She chooses to ignore the voices in her head. She leans forward, and chooses to cross the line. She presses her lips against his. He doesn't hesitate. Her body warms, as endorphins kick in. She completely forgets about being cold. _


	12. I'd Be Lying

"I almost forgot about the first time," he admits.

"How could you forget about that? Your hit foot the control panel, and turned the sirens on. We both nearly peed out pants, because we didn't realize it was our car."

"We were in a very compromising position. If anyone had found us like that we wouldn't have jobs."

"Which is exactly why we had to end it."

"Maybe I don't want to."

"It is too risky. I don't want to lose my job."

"It's not worth it, to you?" Nick questions.

She pauses to think.

"Is it really just sex for you?" he wonders, before she can answer his first question.

She doesn't say anything.

"Maybe, you were right, maybe it's best to end things, before one of us says something that we'll regret," he turns, and heads for the door.

She stands there, frozen, as he walks out the door. After he leaves, she stands there, dumbfounded, trying to process what's just happened. She tries to analyze what he's just said.

She makes her way to the couch, and has a seat. She doesn't know what to feel. She only knows the numb feeling that she's had, for days, is gone. She tries to sort through the thoughts, as they come, but she can't. The possibility of him wanting more, that never crossed her mind, not even once.

* * *

He sits at the counter, on a barstool. He looks at the drink in his hand, and place where a ring used to be. He tries to shake off the thought of regret, as he lifts the glass to his mouth. He takes a drink of the warm, dark liquid. He returns the glass to the counter. He knows there isn't enough alcohol to make him forget. There isn't enough of anything to wash away what he's feeling. His nostrils flare, as he allows the hurt, and anger wash over him.

She stands in front of his door, trying to build up enough courage to knock. The door comes open, before her fist reaches the surface. He grabs her by the hand, and pulls her into the house. He closes the door, and locks it, behind her. She's predictable. He knows her next move. She'll try to kiss him. She'll try to make him forget everything. He shakes his head, and presses his finger to her lips.

"We can't keep doing this, the way that we are. I want off this ride."

"Not to tonight," she argues.

"I am not going to keep making the same mistakes. We both end up frustrated, and hurt. I won't do it. Tonight, you're going to listen."

"Ok."

"You don't get to call all of the shots. You don't get to say when we're done."

"So, now you're the macho man, who calls all of the shots?"

"No," he shakes his head, "We're done when it's over, not because you're scared."

She doesn't say anything.

"I was married," he reminds her.

"I know."

"She took my daughter, and she left."

"I know how much it hurt you."

"You were the only thing that kept me going. I didn't have anything, anyone else. I let my marriage fall apart, because you walked into my life."

"Are you telling me that you would still be married, if you had never met me?" she questions.

"No. That isn't what I'm saying. We both know that I wouldn't. I just could never make it work."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back."

"But you can't. We can't take any of it back."

"What do you want me to say?"

He furrows his brow, in frustration. "I don't want you to say anything, I just want you to listen. For once I just want you to listen."

She simply nods.

"How can you be ready to give up, just like that?"

"I..."

"You're just going to let it all go, for what? For someone who is so strong, you have a lot of fear. Why are you so afraid? Why can't you just let yourself feel it? Just once let yourself go. Just once, lay it all on the line. Don't be afraid to commit to something. You can't spend your whole life afraid that one day someone is going to leave. You can't just call it quits, and turn, and walk away, when things get uncomfortable. It doesn't work like that."

"I'm sorry," she admits.

"I put my entire marriage on the line. We could have gotten caught. My wife could have found out that we were together. Our co-workers could have found out that we were together. There were a million reasons that I could have decided to call it quits."

She looks into his eyes, and chokes back tears. She swallows hard, "So why didn't you?"

"I look at you, and I see something, someone worth fighting for."

"I don't know if I can do this."

"I know that you're scared. I know you don't think this will ever work. Just give me one shot," he begs.

She blinks, and a single tear falls from her eyes, and trickles down her cheek, "I don't know if I can."

He touches her face. He wipes away her tear, with his thumb. "Then just give me tonight," he asks.

She doesn't say a word. He presses his lips against hers. And for a moment she forgets. She doesn't listen to the voice of reason in her head. For once she doesn't think about tomorrow. She doesn't consider the consequences. For the first time in her life, she lives for the moment.

* * *

In the morning, she slips out of bed, as the sun is rising. She collects her belongings, and she heads home. She hits the shower, when she gets there. She gets dressed, and hurries off to work. She makes it there, with only a couple of minutes to spare. She takes a seat at her desk. The rest of her co-workers are already there. She doesn't say a word to any of them. Within a couple of minutes of her arrival the captain exits his office, an tells them that they have a case. And, just like that, it's back to the real world. In an instant it is back to reality. She returns to earth, and joins the conversation.

"Munch, Fin, I've got a rape murder on the upper east side. Benson, Amaro, you have a girl someone found in the Hudson who appears to have been sexually assaulted. Get to work, people."


	13. Without You Here

She sits on the edge of the pier, with her feet dangling over the edge, even though the night air is still cold. She looks over at the person sitting next to her. He waits for her to say something.

"I don't know what I'm doing here."

"What are _we_ doing?"

She shakes her head, "I wish that I knew. I wish I could answer that. Just once I would like to be able to tell you that I know. I can't."

"I know."

"You were right. I can't keep doing this. This is just too much."

"If after everything I have said you still that way, then we should end this."

"It isn't just me that I am worried about hurting."

"Don't worry about me," he insists.

* * *

She knocks on a familiar door, late that night. The party inside looks up at her. He motions for her to come in. She closes the door behind her. Her boss looks up at her.

"Olivia, it's late, what are you doing here?"

"Captain I need some time off."

"What's going on?"

"I just need to get out of town. I need some time to myself."

"I can understand that."

"I just need a week," she tells him.

"Ok," he nods, "You have the time, you're welcome to use it."

"You aren't going to ask why?"

"That isn't my place."

"Can I ask you something?" she wonders.

He nods, in agreement.

"Why do I always do this?"

He furrows his brow, "I am not sure I understand what you mean."

"Why do I always let myself ruin a good thing?"

"You and Brian ended it?"

"Yeah," she nods in confirmation.

"What is it that I am afraid of?"

He smirks, "Losing yourself."

"I always make decisions that..."

"Olivia take your vacation. Sort out your thoughts, and then come back."

"Ok."

"I know that your caseload has been wearing on you lately. It seems like we can't win, and when things in our personal lives go wrong, it is just another blow. We don't like admitting defeat. Sometimes we have to lose things to find out what is important, what we really want."

"I just want out," she admits.

"You're not there yet," he tells her, "You just need a vacation."

"You're probably right."

"Where are you going?"

"I haven't decided."

"Just go somewhere, ok?"

She nods, in agreement.

* * *

She winds up at a beach somewhere on the Carolina coast. She sits in a chair, on the beach. Her pants are rolled up, and her feet are in the sand. She watches the waves, and feels the wind blowing on her face. She places the book that she's reading on her lap. She looks around her, at the scene before her. It's still not quite time for the regular season to start. The beach isn't packed, instead there are people sparsely populating the beach. She gets out of her chair, and places her book in the seat. She walks the beach in her bare feet. The waves wash over her feet as she walks. She looks out into the ocean. It's deep, and seemingly never ending. She wonders if she is ever going to find the answers that she's looking for, or if she's looking in all the wrong places.

He shows up to work the next morning, after their chat. His partner is noticeably absent. He looks up, from his desk, as the Captain comes out of his office.

"Where is Olivia?"

"She took some time off. She went on vacation."

"Oh, she didn't mention anything to me."

"It was a last minute thing, I told her to go."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, sometimes you just need a vacation. She's only going to be gone for the week."

"Ok."

"Amanda can be your partner for the week."

"Ok," he agrees.

* * *

She stands against the railing on the balcony of the condo that she's staying at. She can see the ocean, and the beach just beyond her. It's nearly sunset. She decides to stop moping, and take herself to dinner.

* * *

She looks over at her temporary partner. He sits in the passenger's seat of the car, wearing a mope-y face.

"You ok?" Amanda quizzes.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You have just been pretty quiet all day."

"I am just tired."

"Don't lie to me. Nick, what's on your mind?"

"I don't know," he shrugs.

"Of course you do."

"I am tired of trying so damn hard, and it meaning absolutely nothing."

"I know."

"I just don't know if I can do this anymore," he admits.

"Are you thinking about quitting?"

He shrugs, "I don't know what I'm thinking anymore."

"I do."

He looks over at her, making eye contact, "Really?" he raises an eyebrow.

"It's written all over your face," she tells him.

"What is?"

"Someone broke your heart."

"No one broke my heart," he argues.

"Look I have a terrible track record with relationships. I am not really in the best place to give advice, but there is one thing that I have learned."

"What's that?"

"If you find someone who makes you happy, and they're worth fighting for don't let them go. You can give them some space, and time, but don't let them go. You have to fight."


	14. She Wouldn't Be Gone

Being alone, it has never bothered her before, but sitting on the beach, watching the waves roll in, makes her feel very small. For the first time in a long time she feels very alone. She feels like something is missing. But feelings mean nothing, when your word is everything. She knows that whatever choice she makes it won't be easy, and it cannot be made lightly. She grabs the towel that she's sitting on, and carries it down the beach with her. She heads towards her condo. As she climbs the stairs to the second floor, in her bare feet it hits her, all at once. Not once did she ever picture her life being like this. She never would have pictured herself being here alone. Everyone else here was part of a couple, or a family.

* * *

He shakes his head, in disbelief. She watches him, as he finishes his drink.

"Nick, you can talk to me," she insists.

"I don't know Rollins," he argues.

"I'm your friend, just tell me what's going on."

"I blew it."

"You blew it? How?"

"I pushed her too far."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter," he shakes his head.

"What makes you say that you pushed her too far?"

"Because I did. I knew she had her doubts, and I pushed her anyway. She wasn't ready to hear what I had to say."

"Maybe she wasn't, but does that mean you're just going to give up?"

"What choice do I have?"

"Fight for her. Make her see that she's worth it."

"That's just it, it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters," she argues.

"No it doesn't," he answers adamantly, "We can't be together, anyway."

"Why not?"

"We just can't."

"You aren't meant to be together?"

"I didn't say that. We just can't to be together."

Amanda studies his facial expression. She takes a sip of her drink. Her eyes widen, as the light bulb flips on in her head. She stares at him, in disbelief.

"You don't mean you can't be together, you mean that you're not allowed to be," she realizes.

"Wait, what?"

"You're not allowed to be together. I get it now."

"Whatever you're thinking, you've got it wrong."

"She's a cop."

"Amanda," he tries to throw her off the scent.

"She's not just a cop."

"Wait, before you start jumping to conclusions."

"Look, Nick I don't care. I have bent the rules on plenty of occasions. I know that you're between a rock, and a hard place right now. I get that. I am not going to tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me."

"Just stop right there. I don't have a secret."

"Really?" she arches her eyebrow.

"Look, Amanda."

"It's against department policy," she adds.

"Shh!"

She pays the tab, and grabs her coat, knowing he doesn't want to talk about it there. She leads him outside, to the sidewalk.

"Nick, listen to me very carefully. It doesn't matter who she is, if you think she's the one don't let her go."

"But you don't understand."

"Even if she's your partner," Amanda adds.

* * *

She tosses, and turns in her sleep. She wakes up, in a cold sweat. She climbs out of bed, and goes over to the open balcony door. She's left the door open to get some fresh air, even though she knows that it is a great way for someone to enter the condo. She takes a step out on the balcony. She looks out at the ocean. It's early in the morning. The sun hasn't even threatened to rise yet. She takes a deep breath, and tries to shake the feeling she has. The longer she stands there, in the cool morning air the more her head spins.

She returns to the room, closing and locking the door behind her. She heads into the bathroom, unable to shake the feeling of impending doom.

* * *

His partner left for vacation Sunday night. Friday rolls around, much slower than usual. He doesn't have any plans, so he dials her number.

* * *

She's sitting on the beach, watching the sunset, when her phone rings. She doesn't look at the caller ID. In fact, it's the first day all week that she has even turned her phone on. She pulls it to her ear.

"Hello?" she answers.

"How is your vacation going?"

"It's going fine."

"You want some company?"

"I'm fine. I can't talk right now."

"Olivia, wait," he begs.

She hangs up. She hears footsteps coming her way. She looks up, and finds a pair of dark eyes looking at her. She stares her choice in the eyes. The safe choice looks back at her.

"You came," she forces a smile."I was surprised that you called."

"Brian, I'm sorry," she apologizes.

He takes a seat next to her, on her towel.

"I'm here now. Let's just move on," he suggests.

She nods. "You didn't have to drive all of the way down here," she tells him.

"It's only like an eight hour drive."

"I am leaving in the morning," she reveals.

"So we have all night."

"I am leaving early in the morning."

"We have to watch the sunrise first, don't you think?"

"I guess."


	15. Over And Over

The following week it's early in the morning. Brian has been staying with Olivia. He has yet to get off work, and she has the day off. She wakes up early, and heads into the bathroom. She finds herself feeling sick for the second time in two days. She swallows hard, and begs the contents of her stomach to remain intact. A terrible thought crosses her mind. She quickly gets dressed, makes a phone call, and leaves a note, for Brian that she's gone for a run. She laces her shoes, as if she really is going to run. She grabs her gun, badge, keys, and phone. She heads out of the apartment, trying her best to leave before he gets there.

She enters the all night diner. The smell of coffee nearly pushes her over the edge. She shakes the feeling, and heads towards the back of the diner. She slides in the booth, across the table from detective Rollins. Amanda sips her coffee. She checks her watch.

"I was surprised that you called. I have to be at work in about an hour."

"I know."

"You look pale are you feeling alright?"

"No," she admits.

"What's going on? Why did you call?"

"I didn't know who else to call."

Amanda furrows her brow, "About what? Olivia what is going on?"

"Karma is a bitch," Olivia answers.

"How so?"

"It just is."

"Things aren't working out with Brian?"

"They are going fine."

"You have realized that you made the wrong choice?"

"What?!"

"Nothing. Just ignore me. You have made it abundantly clear that my opinion means nothing to you."

"It means something."

"Apparently not, because you don't listen to anything that I say. Brian is the safe choice, but I am not really certain that he is the right choice for you."

"That isn't what I came here to talk to you about. I didn't come here to argue."

Olivia exhales trying not to breathe in the scent of coffee, and maple syrup.

"Liv, what is wrong with you?"

"I came to ask you for a favor."

"Ok," Amanda agrees.

"Can I borrow the key to your apartment?"

"What for?"

"Does it matter?"

"There isn't anything in my apartment to steal. Even if there was I trust you."

"So..."

"Yes, it still matters. Olivia tell me what's going on."

She shrugs, "I don't know."

"You look sick, are you ok?"

"I already told you that I'm not."

"Why do you need the key to my apartment?"

"Because Brian is staying at mine."

"And?"

"I need some privacy."

Amanda rolls her eyes, "Olivia if you can't ask him for a moment of privacy, and he is only staying with you part of the time it is never going to work."

"That isn't it."

"What is it? Just be straight with me. If you want the key you can have it, but I want to know what is going on with you?"

"I haven't been feeling well for the past week."

"I have noticed."

"And I think, that despite the fact that it shouldn't be possible," she rambles.

"Just spit it out," Amanda insists.

"You know what, never mind. It isn't important."

Amanda studies her closely. She looks pale, even though she's just spent a week at the beach. She looks more tired than usual. She's got dark circles under her eyes. She wears a deeply concerned expression on her face. She breathes slowly, but shallowly, and deliberately. Amanda raises an eyebrow.

"Wait, what shouldn't be possible?"

"Just forget it. I am just going to go home."

"Olivia, spill. Just tell me what is going on. Why is karma a bitch?"

"Actions have consequences."

"Of course they do."

"Despite my best attempts not to get caught up in the drama, I did. I made some really questionable choices, leading two guys to believe that they were the one. And, I honestly don't know which one really is. I don't know if either of them is the one. I hurt both of them. I tried to fix it."

"You're rambling. What are you trying to say?"

"Sometimes no matter what we do it's the wrong thing."

"I know."

"And we have to be reminded of that, somehow."

"Olivia, just spit it out."

"This is my worst nightmare. I am not this kind of person. I look in my mirror, and I don't know who the hell the person staring back at me is."

"Because you're lying to yourself."

"You can only lie for so long, until it catches up with you?"

"Catches up with you? You think that you might be pregnant, don't you?"

"Shh!"

"How could that happen? I thought that you told me..."

Olivia cuts her off, "I did tell you that."

"It wasn't true?"

"It was true."

"Every single time?"

She nods, "Yes, every single time."

"And even though you thought it wasn't possible, now you're afraid that you were wrong?"

Olivia doesn't say anything.

"Olivia just tell me the truth. Why do you need the key to my apartment?"

"I think that I might be pregnant."

Amanda hands over her key, "Here you go. Just give it back tomorrow at work."

Olivia nods, "Thank you."

"Let me know how everything turns out."


	16. It Matters To Me

She heads down the aisle of the drug store, trying to be incognito. She shakes her head in disbelief, as she approaches what she's looking for. She is wearing a grey hoodie, and her hair is down. She wears a ball cap, and she has a pair of sunglasses tucked on the side of her jacket. She thinks about how ridiculous she must look. After all she's far old enough to be here in this situation. It's not as if she is a scared college student, anymore. She stops in front of the shelf of pregnancy tests. She grabs three different kinds, and quickly approaches the counter. She pays in cash, like a criminal committing a crime, who doesn't want to be caught. The cashier puts her purchases in a paper bag.

A few minutes later she arrives at her destination. She unlocks the door to Amanda's apartment. She goes inside, and makes a beeline for the bathroom. She dumps the contents of her bag onto the counter. She rips open each box one by one. She dumps the boxes, and the wrappers in the trashcan. She pees on the sticks, and lays them out on the counter on top of a tissue. She sits on the edge of the bathtub, waiting for the time to pass. She stares at her watch. The seconds tick by slowly.

She sits there, trying to rack her brain when this could have happened. She wonders how it could have happened. Her stomach twists into knots as she sits there, waiting. How is she going to explain it, if she is? She tries to allow the rational side of her brain to take over.

She reminds herself that she is forty five. She's too old to get pregnant. Most of her eggs have probably dried up. She had used protection every single time. She is old enough to know how to prevent a pregnancy. Not to mention there are a million reasons she could be feeling nauseous. Is she even late? She tries to recall when her last period was, but she can't come up with an answer, off the top of her head. Honestly, she has stopped paying attention. At her age did it really matter?

The alarm on her phone goes off, and she is jolted back into reality. She is instantly reminded that obviously it does.

She gets home, and Brian is sitting in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal in his wife beater, and boxer shorts. She closes the door behind her.

"Did you have a good run?"

"Yeah," she nods. Her hair is now pulled up into a pony tale, off her shoulders.

"You ok?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You just look like you have something on your mind."

"I think I am going to go jump in the shower."

"Wait, have a seat, and talk to me," he begs.

"Why aren't you in bed, asleep?"

"I thought I would wait until you got home."

"Oh."

"Sit," he insists.

She takes a seat at the table, across from him.

"Liv, what's bothering you?"

"I was running in the park, and it got me to thinking."

"About what?" he raises an eyebrow.

"Different things."

"Just tell me what specifically."

"Someone is grouchy."

"I worked all night. I apologize that my patience is wearing thin."

"It's ok."

"So what were you thinking?"

"About babies," she admits.

"Oh? Do you want some?"

She shrugs, "I don't know."

"So why are you bringing it up?"

"What would you say, if I told you that I was pregnant?"

"First of all I think that you're a little too old, don't you?"

"Hypothetically," she clarifies.

"And then my next thought would be that we used a condom every single time."

"I know."

"And none of them broke."

"I know."

"And even if they did, it still isn't possible."

She furrows her brow, "What do you mean?"

"It's not possible, because I had a vasectomy years ago. I made a conscious decision that it wasn't something I wanted to worry about. I don't want to contribute to populating the earth."

"What?!"

"Which is something that we should have probably talked about, before this point in our relationship," he realizes.

"You think?!"

"Sorry."

"Are you being serious right now?"

"Yes. I had a vasectomy."

"So you don't want kids?"

"Not particularly. Is that a deal breaker? I just assumed that if you didn't have any by now you didn't want them. I figured that you wouldn't want them, if you didn't already have them."

"You assumed wrong."

"So it's a deal breaker?'

"I..." she looks at him, unsure what to say.

"Are you pregnant?"

She doesn't answer him.

"Because if you are that is a deal breaker."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean if I thought I could have a kid it wouldn't be, but I can't. It has be proven. So, if you were to get pregnant, I would have to ask by who."

"You're kidding me right now aren't you?"

"No," he shakes his head, "I am being serious. If by some miracle you got pregnant, there is no way that it is mine. It would have to be someone else's. If that were the case it would mean that you cheated."

"I can't believe that you had a vasectomy, and you didn't tell me."

"It isn't something I did while we were together. I did it years ago. I didn't need to consult you."

"No, but it would have been nice to know."

"So what, you want me to leave?"

She shrugs, "I don't know. I don't know what to think."

"Are you pregnant?"

"No."

"Then what is the problem?"

"You lied to me."

"I didn't lie to you," he argues.

"You did, by omission."


	17. Two Pink Lines

Olivia gets to work early, the following morning. Amanda is the next person into the squad room. Olivia tosses her the keys.

"Thanks," Olivia tells her.

"How did it go?"

"Brian and I are over."

"Oh, that bad?"

"I asked him what he would do, and he informed me that he had a vasectomy."

"What?!"

"I didn't know that."

"That's not good. Did you tell him the truth?"

"I told him he needed to leave. He didn't think that it was important to tell me that upfront. I have a problem with that."

"So did you make a doctor's appointment?"

Olivia furrows her brow, "What are you talking about? I feel fine."

"But..."

Olivia cuts her off, "I'm not."

Amanda walks over to her desk, "Come with me."

"Where are we going?" Olivia questions.

Amanda doesn't answer. She drags her away from her desk by the arm. Olivia follows her into the women's bathroom. Amanda checks all of the stalls, and then turns to Olivia, once she's satisfied that they're all empty.

"How long did you wait to look at them?"

"A couple of minutes, why?"

"Did you read the directions?"

"Why?"

"I saw them in the trashcan."

"So?"

"Those were plus signs."

"What are you talking about? They weren't plus signs. They were all negative when I looked at them."

"I don't think that you waited long enough, because every single one of them had bright pink plus signs."

"Please tell me that you're joking right now," Olivia begs.

Amanda shakes her head, "I'm not."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"I wish that I was."

"Maybe they're wrong," Olivia suggests.

"All three of them?" Amanda replies, skeptically.

* * *

That night, on her way home from work she feels as if her heart is going to pound out of her chest. She locks her door, and then heads for the bathroom. She locks herself in the bathroom, and reads the directions. She is too nervous to take them. She heads to the computer to do some research on the accuracy of them. She finds information on the best time to take them. She leaves them where they are. She takes a shower, and goes to bed because it's late.

She tosses, and turns all night. In the morning, the first thing she does when she wakes up is pees. She sits on the lid of the toilet, and waits for the three tests. She knows from the directions that they may take up to five minutes. She keeps her eyes on them the entire time. The results are perfectly clear within two, and a half. The positive results stare up at her.

* * *

She's at a scene, later that day. She rises from a squatting position. Her partner instantly picks up on the fact that something isn't right.

"Liv, are you ok?"

"I am fine, why?"

"You don't look to great."

"I am just a little dizzy."

"You want to sit down?"

"Nick," she looks at him sharply, "I am perfectly fine."

"Ok," he nods knowing to give her space.

* * *

That night, Amanda waits to walk out with her. She waits until they're on the street, alone, before she says anything.

"So, what's the verdict?" Amanda inquires.

"Not a good one," Olivia answers.

"Meaning?"

Olivia makes eye contact, "I don't know what I am going to do."

"You'll get over it."

"That is easy for you to say."

"Are you sure that Brian was telling the truth?"

"Yes."

"So it is impossible that it's him?"

"Yes. I didn't think that it was possible at all."

"What are you going to do?"

"I am going to wait."

"For what?"

"To see what happens."

"Did you make an appointment?"

"Six thirty Monday morning."

"That is early."

"I didn't want anyone to know, so I had to make it before work."

"How did you get in so soon?"

"My doctor hasn't seen me in five years."

"Five years?"

"I don't have time to go."

"Well it looks as if you're going to be making time now."

"Maybe the tests were wrong."

"How many of them did you take, total?"

"Six."

"You think that six of them were wrong? I don't think so. They are pretty accurate. I might believe it if they were negative. You are more likely to get a false negative, than a false positive."

"I am more likely to get run over by a bus, than have a baby, but..."

"This is New York that is possible."

"Me having a baby is not," Olivia argues.

"How far along do you think you are?"

She shrugs, "I don't know. I don't think that I could be that far along."

"Your best guess?"

"Four or five weeks, maybe."

"Keep me posted."

"Ok."


	18. Come Back To Me

The following day at work she barely says two words to anyone. At the end of the day, she leaves the precinct without saying anything. Amanda notices her absence, and slips out to find her. When she gets outside Olivia is a hundred and fifty feet away from her, down the street. Amanda attempts to catch up with her. Olivia walks faster, and faster, with each step. She is still fifty feet ahead of Amanda, ten minutes later, when she slips into a doorway. Amanda continues to follow her. She is surprised, when she realizes that Olivia has gone into a bar. She enters the bar, and finds Olivia sitting at the bar. She takes a seat, on the barstool next to her.

"What are you doing here?" Amanda questions.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Your appointment was that bad?"

"I told you I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't know what happened, but I don't think that getting drunk is the answer," Amanda points out.

"I am not here to get drunk."

Amanda looks at her glass, "What are you drinking?"

"Water."

"Why are you here?"

"Because I don't want to go home."

"You could have stayed at work."

"No, I couldn't."

"Why would you come here?"

"Because I don't want to think about my life, right now. I just want to pretend that everything is ok. I just want to get lost in someone else's drama, for a little while."

"Then go home, and watch some soaps."

"It's too quiet at home. I don't want to be in my head, right now."

"Your appointment was that bad?"

"Amanda, I told you, I don't want to talk about it."

"So, are you, or not?"

"Amanda, please, just go home. Leave me alone. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, ok? Right now I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it."

"I am not going to leave you alone, at a bar."

"I will be fine. Amanda I am not my mother."

"Did your mother..."

Olivia cuts her off, "I don't know. I don't want to know. I am not her. You don't have to worry about me."

"I can't believe that you're offended that I am concerned about you. You can't shut everyone out."

"I'm not."

"Yes you are. You just shut down. Olivia get a grip. Life happens, people make mistakes. You have to deal with them."

"But I don't have to deal with them, tonight."

"Olivia, I really think that you should go home."

"Why would I want to go home? I don't particularly enjoy going home to an empty apartment every single night."

"Then don't go home."

"You just..."

"Go somewhere, anywhere, but here."

"Where do you suggest that I go?"

Amanda shakes her head, "I don't know, but you have to go somewhere."

"It's a free country."

"Liv, come on."

"You're not my keeper, go home," Olivia insists.

"I will go home, if you agree to leave."

"Where do you want me to go?"

"Maybe you should talk to Nick."

"Why? I have nothing to say to him."

"That is bullshit. You have a lot to say to him."

"I don't want to talk to him."

"He is heartbroken."

"He's fine."

"He's not fine. I know that you're afraid of getting hurt, but look around at the people that you're hurting."

"Don't try to guilt trip me."

"Nick is a good guy, and he deserves better than you jerking him around."

"I am not jerking him around. I made it perfectly clear to him that it's over."

"I don't buy it, and neither does he."

"Whatever," Olivia rolls her eyes, and shoves out her stool. She turns, and leaves the bar.

* * *

She hesitates, on the doorstep. She stares at the door, frozen. She exhales, knowing that she shouldn't be there. She knows being here is a mistake. She clenches her hand into a fist, and knocks on the door, anyway. He pulls the door open, and looks at her in surprise.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to apologize," she reveals.

"For what?"

"For everything," she answers.

He nods, understandingly, "Come in."

He closes the door behind her. "Nick I am sorry."

"I want to believe you, but I don't think you even know what you're sorry for."

"I am sorry for jerking you around. I am sorry for doing things, that neither of us can ever take back. I am sorry for the way that I handle this."

"Liv you said it was over, so why are you here? This is what frustrates me the most. You say that it's over, and then you show up on my doorstep. I don't know what to believe."

"Sometimes, neither do I."

"Olivia what are you doing here? What are you hoping to get out of this?"

"I want a second chance."

"At what? You told me this relationship was over."

"I don't want you to hate me."

"For what?"

"For the way this has turned out. I want to start over."

"Which part?"

"I don't know," she admits.

"Then why don't you come back, when you actually know what you want? You know where to find me. I'm not going anywhere. Ok? When you figure all this out, you let me know."

"Yeah, ok," she agrees.


	19. It's A Little Too Late

She sits on the couch, staring at a black, and white image in complete, and utter disbelief. As she stares at the picture it only begins to sink in how much her life is about to change. She takes a deep breath, wondering how long it will take for the shock to wear off.

* * *

_She sits on an exam table, after having a lengthy conversation with her doctor, as well as an exam. An image appears on the screen. She turns, and looks at the screen. Her heart sinks, as she realizes how wrong she has been. She doesn't say a word, she just stares at the screen, numbly. The image is frozen, and a sound fills the room. The doctor wears a peculiar expression on his face as he unfreezes the image. Olivia's heart skips a beat._

_"Is something wrong?" she wonders. _

_He moves the probe around, for a minute, before answering. His lips crawl into a smile, "Nope."_

_She stares at the screen, in confusion. _

_He points to the image on the screen, and begins to narrate, "I would estimate that you're somewhere between twelve, and thirteen weeks along."_

_"You're kidding me, right?"_

_He shakes his head, "Give or take a few days."_

* * *

The sound of someone knocking on her door brings her back to the present. She tosses the picture on the coffee table, without a second thought. She makes her way to the door. She's already in her pajama's even though it's barely nine o'clock. She doesn't check the peephole, or reach for her gun. She unlocks the bolt, and undoes the chain. She pulls the door open, towards her. She finds a familiar face standing on the other side of the door. She looks into a pair of eyes, questioningly.

"What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?"

She nods, and steps aside, so he can enter the apartment. She closes the door, and he stands in front of her, unmoving. He looks into her eyes as she initiates the conversation.

"Nick, why are you here?"

"I don't want to wait for you to figure out what you're doing, or what we're going to be. I don't want to wait. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of playing by the rules. I don't care about the consequences, I just want to be with you. I just want to be here, in this moment, with you," he admits.

She doesn't say anything in response. He takes a step forward, decreasing the distance between them. She knows what happens next. He'll lean in for a kiss, and they'll start the vicious cycle all over, again. She puts her hand out, flatly, and firmly against his chest, trying to create a safe distance.

"No."

He takes half of a step backwards, "What do you mean, no?"

"I can't keep doing this. This isn't healthy."

"I..."

She cuts him off, "Don't say it."

"Olivia..." He tries to reason.

"I am only going to end up hurting you."

"Liv please don't do this," he begs.

"You'll understand, one day," she promises.

"Make me understand, now."

"You should go," she insists.

"What is going on with you?"

"Nothing," she lies.

"You can't sell me that, when the look in your eyes tells me that there is something you need to say."

"I can't say it, not now."

"Olivia..."

"Nick you are my partner. I never, ever should have crossed the line with you. I never should have put our partnership, or our jobs on the line."

"You don't think that it's worth it?"

"Don't make me justify it."

"Liv I gave up..."

She cuts him off, "I need some time, ok?"

He nods, and respectfully turns to walk away. He slams the door, as he leaves.

* * *

She picks up the phone, after he leaves, and dials a familiar number. She feels her heart skip a beat, as it rings.

"Hello?" the voice on the other end answers.

"Hey," she responds.

"Olivia?"

"You ok?"

"I..." she struggles to come up with an answer.

"Obviously there is something going on, or you wouldn't be calling me. I..."

She cuts him off, "I need to talk to you, in person."

"Ok."

* * *

She opens the door, and allows him to step into the apartment. His first thought is that she looks like a complete disaster, but he keeps the thought to himself. He smiles widely, instead, offering up his arms for a hug. She takes a step forward, and allows him to envelope her in a hug. After a few moments he lets go.

"I haven't heard from you in so long," he comments.

"Elliot the phone works both ways. My number hasn't changed."

"Neither has mine."

"You were the one who left," she adds.

"I'm sorry."

She shakes her head, "I didn't call to give you hell."

He knows by the look on her face that she's on the verge of tears, and barely hanging on, "I can see that. What's going on?"

"I didn't know who else to call."

"Olivia just tell me what's going on."

"I don't know what to do."

"About what?"

"I made a mistake."

"What kind of a mistake?"

She takes a deep breath, and exhales, "I was seeing someone, and..."

"It didn't work out?" he jumps to conclusions.

"And I was seeing someone else, too."


	20. Just A Fool

"What?" he furrows his brow.

"I know that it was stupid."

"Why were you seeing two people at one time?"

"I guess that they were fulfilling different needs."

"I don't want to know. What about now?"

"Now I have managed to completely ruin one relationship."

"And the other?" Elliot questions.

"I am not sure if I can salvage it."

"I am sure that you can.""He's my partner."

Elliot's eyes widen, "What? You have been seeing your partner?"

"Not really seeing him," she admits.

He shakes his head, in disbelief, "You've been sleeping with your partner?"

She only nods.

"Do you love him?"

"I..."

"I know you didn't call me over here to ask for relationship advice. I am the last person that you would call about that. What happened? Did one of them hurt you?"

"No. Nothing like that."

"Then what was so life changing that you called me?"

His words cut like a knife, "Are you angry that I called you?"

"No. I am just surprised. I didn't think that you would ever speak to me again."

"If I didn't..."

He cuts her off, "You would have had every right. The way I left things wasn't right. I am sorry that I let you down."

"Me too."

"So what's going on?"

She looks him in the eye, and swallows hard, "I'm pregnant."

His lips crawl into a smile, even his eyes seem to smile at her, "That's why you called?"

"I don't know what to do," she admits.

"You don't know whether to have it or not?"

She shakes her head, "That isn't what I meant. I know that part."

"What don't you know?"

"How. How am I going to do this?"

"Olivia you were born to be a mother."

"And I am going to feel like a shitty one, if I don't tell the father."

"Do you know who it is?"

"Brian said he had a vasectomy."

"Do you believe him?"

"I don't know."

"You don't think that it's his, either way?"

She shrugs, "I don't know."

"Didn't the doctor give you an estimated date of conception?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"It wasn't helpful at all. It could be either one of them."

"You didn't use protection?" he raises an eyebrow.

"Every single time."

"Without any malfunction?"

"Not that I was aware of, but obviously something happened, because I am pregnant."

"You sound angry. Are you angry that you're pregnant?"

"I'm not angry that I'm pregnant. I am just angry that I don't know which one of them it is."

"You're angry at yourself," he clarifies.

"Of all of the stupid things I have done in my life, this has to be the stupidest."

"Are you hoping that it is one over the other?"

She shrugs, "I don't know."

"Do you love either one of them?"

She doesn't say anything.

"Liv?"

"I don't know. I am just so confused."

"Tell them both, and whichever one of them sticks around is a keeper."

"I am not going to do that."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me what to do."

He steps forward, and wraps her in a hug. She cries on his shoulder, "Liv I can't."

After a few moments she steps back, and wipes her tears away, with the tail of her shirt.

"Why does my life always have to be so complicated?"

"Because you make it that way. Olivia you need to follow your heart."

"It isn't that simple. One of them is my partner."

"If he's the one then work something out. To be happy sometimes you have to make sacrifices."

"Are you happy?"

"I am happier than I have been, in a long time."

"Quitting your job made you happy?"

"Not at first. After the divorce I realized that I missed out on too much of my kids lives. I get to spend a lot more time with Eli now, and that makes me happy."

"What do you do when you're not with him?"

"Private investigating. The pay isn't bad, and I make my own hours."

"That is fulfilling?"

"The trade off is worth it. I get to pick Eli up from school every single day, while Kathy is at work."

"Good for you."

"Olivia you have to do whatever it is that makes you happy. If your partner is the guy that makes you happy then don't let him go. If Brian is the guy that makes you happy, make it work."

"I'm scared."

"When are you planning on telling them?"

"Never."

"Are you waiting until..."

She cuts him off, "I'm already twelve weeks along."

"Oh."

"And I feel like the biggest idiot on the planet."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't know. I just found out. I can't believe that I didn't see it."

"Olivia you don't need me here to tell you what you should do. You already know what you need to do."


	21. Come Over

He stands outside the door, of her apartment. It's late, and he knows that she's probably sleeping. His hand rests on the trim that is around the door. He stands there feeling like a fool, for ever falling for her.

* * *

She lies in her bed, wide awake. She tries to keep the tears from falling, but suddenly it hits her that all of this is real. Soon she is going to have a baby, and... she doesn't let herself go any farther. Something inside her tells her to go to the door. She pushes back the covers, and her feet hit the floor. She leaves the room, and goes to the door. She looks out the peephole. She finds someone sitting outside the door. He sits against the wall, next to the door. She unbolts the door, and releases the chain. She pulls the door open. She looks at him.

He looks up at her, with weary eyes, and a five o'clock shadow. He rises to meet her. She doesn't say anything. He waits for her to start the conversation, but the only thing talking to him are her eyes. Just as he notices that she's wearing his shirt, he notices how sad she looks, too.

He doesn't hesitate. He steps into the apartment, she follows him in. He wraps his arms around her. He holds her close. She can't hold it together anymore. She takes a deep breath, and the tears start to fall. She buries her head in his shoulder. Eventually she is able to regain composure, and she steps back. He looks at her, without a word he wipes the tears from her face. Finally she speaks.

"What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep. Something just kept telling me that you needed me."

"Oh."

"Are you ok?" he wonders.

"I will be."

"We should talk."

She shakes her head, "That's the one thing that we never do right. I don't want to talk right now."

"Ok," he agrees.

She locks the door behind him. She takes him by the hand, and leads him into the bedroom. He kisses her temple.

* * *

It's funny how things seem in the morning light. She opens her eyes, and his arms are snaked around her. She's wearing his button down. He lies next to, sound asleep. She looks at the alarm clock. It tells her that she has twenty minutes before she has to get up. She shifts under his arm. She rolls towards him. Her heart sinks. Her fingers touch his bicep. For a moment she contemplates telling him.

"Nick, you should go. It's almost time for work."

His eyes open, and look at her. "Ok."

* * *

She opens the door of the apartment on her way to work. She looks at the man standing outside her apartment.

"What are you doing here?" she wonders.

"Olivia, I am sorry. I screwed up. Please forgive me."

"How can I?"

"You mean the world to me. You are the best thing that I ever had," Brian insists.

"I have to go to work."

"Olivia, please. Just think about it, ok? I want you in my life."

"I don't think that is ever going to happen. We want different things, obviously."

"I didn't mean what I said."

"Which part?"

"Any of it."

"Be more specific," she implores him.

"If you want to have a family, I am ok with that. I can get the vasectomy reversed. There is no one I would rather start a family with. Olivia I did it because I didn't want to have to worry about a mistake with someone I didn't care for. I never thought that I would find the one. I never thought that I would have someone like you. Olivia, please."

She shakes her head, "It's a little bit too late, don't you think?"

"No. I have a doctor's appointment this morning to look into getting it reversed."

"I don't want to do this."

"Do what?"

"Brian it is never going to work between us."

"Why not? We are so good together. We are like yin and yang. We really complement each other."

"Because I don't love you.""Olivia, can we just talk about this.""I have to go to work," she goes to the elevator.

* * *

She's in the middle on an interrogation, when her phone starts ringing. It won't stop. Her partner looks at her, from the other side of the room. He nods subtly. She slips out of the room. She unlocks the screen, and answers the call.

"Brian why are you calling me? I am in the middle of an interrogation. Look, maybe we can have coffee later, but now is not a good time," she lectures him.

"Olivia, wait."

"What?"

"I wouldn't be calling if it wasn't important."

"Is everything ok?"

"Were you serious when you said that you were thought that you were pregnant?"

"It doesn't matter now," she replies.

"For some reason I couldn't stop thinking about it. The thought of..."

She cuts him off, "Look I get that you don't want kids. I didn't mean to scare you."

"That's not it. Were you telling me the truth?"

"When?"

"When you told me that you weren't pregnant."

"Yes. How would that happen, when you had a vasectomy?"

"That is why I am calling."

"What do you mean?"

"I went to the doctor earlier, and they did some tests."

"Now really isn't the time," she warns.

"No, Liv," he warns, "You need to hear me out."

"Ok, what?"

"Are you certain that you're not pregnant?"

"I am certain," she answers.

"Because somehow it seems that it wouldn't be impossible."

Her heart sinks, and she furrows her brow, "What are you telling me?"

"I only went to my first follow up appointment. It turns out that the vasectomy wasn't effective. I could have gotten you pregnant."

"Oh," her heart skips a beat.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. I've got to go," she hangs up.


	22. My Heart Can't Tell You No

She slides the phone into her pocket. She feels as if her heart has just been ripped out, and stomped on. She heads for the bathroom. She walks through the squad room. Amanda looks up as she passes, but Olivia doesn't notice. She makes it into the bathroom. She grips the sink. She feels a surge of anger pulse through her. The pit of her stomach twists into knots, and the disappointment of the possibility washes over her. She looks in the mirror, and she doesn't particularly care for the person staring back at her. She hears the door open.

"Liv, are you ok?"Olivia doesn't say anything, she turns around. Amanda sweeps the room. Once all of the stalls prove to be empty Olivia answers.

"Not entirely."

"What's going on?"

"I just got a call from Brian."

"What did he want?"

"To inform me that he had an appointment with his doctor, and his vasectomy wasn't effective."

"So what does that mean?"

"That karma is a bitch."

"So what are you going to do?"

Olivia shrugs, "I wish that I knew."

"You have to tell them."

"I am not going to tell either one of them, until I know which one it is."

"Olivia they deserve to know."

"I can't put them through that. I can't put myself through that."

"You already are."

"And for the next few weeks I have no choice. My next appointment isn't for a month. That is the earliest I can get in. That is the earliest that I can find out."

"So what are you going to do until then?"

"Pray, I guess."

"You're going to torture yourself for the next month? Isn't there another way?"

"I don't think so."

"You ok?"

She shakes her head, "It's funny how you suddenly know what you want when it could be ripped away from you."

"And what do you want?"

She exhales, "I need to get back to my interrogation."

He shoots his partner a questioning look when she returns to the room. He can see that she's upset, but he doesn't bring it up. She takes a deep breath, and channels her anger into getting a confession out of their suspect.

"Nick can you give us the room?" she questions.

"Yep," he nods. He slips out of the room, and closes the door on his way out. He watches from behind the glass. He turns on the speaker so he can hear to. Within ten minutes their suspect has cracked. They get him to sign a statement, and they send him to booking.

Hours later Olivia is finishing up the paperwork for the day. Nick stops at her desk.

"Nice job on that interrogation today."

"I was just doing my job."

"I don't think I've ever seen you that angry before," he admits.

"I am sure that you have."

Nick looks around, and makes sure that no one is in earshot, "I kind of liked it," he whispers so only she can hear it. She shoots him a look, and he retreats to his desk.

When she gets home she finds Brian outside, on her doorstep. She sighs, in frustration when she sees him. She seriously considers turning around, before he can see her. He sits on the steps outside her apartment building. She approaches slowly. It's after eight, so the sun has already set. The streetlamp illuminates his face.

"What are you doing here?"

"I think we should talk," he tells her, rising to greet her.

"I think that this is over," she answers.

"Olivia I have been thinking a lot. Maybe this is a sign," he suggests.

"A sign of what?"

"That we should be together, that we should stay together, and try to have a family."

"No."

"No? You were the one who said we were finished when I said that I didn't want kids."

She shakes her head, "You just don't get it, do you? I can't trust you. I don't know if you really want kids, or if you are just saying that because you think it's going to get us back together. Brian I don't want it like this."

"Olivia I love you."

"I believe that you do," she replies.

"That isn't the answer I was hoping for."

"I know."

"Olivia what happened?"

"I don't love you," she admits.

"Why are you saying that?"

She purses her lips, "Because it's true. I don't love you. I loved the idea of having someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. I don't think that I was ever in love with you."

"That's news to me."

"Cass, we just want different things. We are never going to make this work."

"How do you know, if you aren't willing to try?"

"I just know.""I can't believe that you're telling me this."

"Brian, you should go."

"I..."

She cuts him off, "Go. I don't want to be with you anymore. This relationship is toxic."

He nods, and turns to walk away. She doesn't watch him walk away. She simply goes into her building.

She heads into her apartment, and closes the door. She tosses her keys, and badge on the counter. She is getting ready to remove her gun, when she hears banging coming from her bedroom. She pulls out her weapon, and heads into the bedroom. She identifies where the banging sound is coming from, rather quickly. She stops at the window, and puts her weapon back in its holster. She pushes the window open, and shakes her head.

"What are you doing on the fire escape?"

"I left a few minutes before you did, from work. I planned on going home, but I couldn't. I wanted to be with you."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I saw Cassidy sitting on the steps, so I went around the side of the building, and climbed the fire escape."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"So, can I come in, or are you going to make me stand out here for the rest of the night?"


	23. The Arms Of The One Who Loves You

"I should make you stand out here all night," she answers.

"It's kind of romantic, if you think about it."

She steps aside, "Get in here."

"Gladly."

He slides through the window. She closes it behind him. "You are going to get us caught one day, do you know that?"

"Maybe that's my plan," he teases, as he grabs her waist, and pulls her close.

"What are you doing?"

"What I wanted to do to you earlier."

"Wait," she insists.

"What? You forgot to lock the door?"

"The curtains are open," she answers.

"You don't want to give the neighbors a show?"

She rolls her eyes, and puts the blinds down, and pulls back the curtains. She turns away from the window. He stands right in front of her. He dares her with his dark eyes.

"Nick what are you doing here?"

"I have an idea. Why don't you interrogate me? Make me bend your will."

"Not going to happen," she warns.

He grabs her waist, and pulls her towards him. He leans forward, with his lips against her ear. "We'll see about that," he whispers.

She looks up at him. He undoes one of her buttons. Her hand rests dangerously close to his belt, at her side. His hand falls from her shirt, to his side. He reaches down, and takes her hand.

"Go ahead," he dares her, as he lets go of her hand. His hand finds its way to her neck. He pulls her even closer. His lips meet hers, and she knows that she can't stop it, even if she wanted to.

As they move toward the bed, each of them is down to a single layer of clothing. His hand presses against her back, reaching for the clasp of her bra. Suddenly he finds her hand against his chest, pushing him away. He stops, and looks into her eyes.

"We can't keep doing this," she warns.

"Just one more time," he begs.

"It's always just one more time," she argues.

"Maybe it shouldn't be. You know that I would be ok with that."

She shakes her head, "I don't want to talk about that now."

He smiles, "I don't want to talk, at all."

_She looks over at him, in tangled sheets. She lays on her side, with the sheet tucked under her arm. One hand is at her side, while the other rests on a pillow, palm up. He lies next to her, covered with a sheet, from the waist down. She looks at his bare chest. Her eyes travel to his face. She looks at him, as he traces the lines on the palm of her hand. _

_"We need to talk," she breaks the silence._

_"You still want to talk? What is there to talk about?"_

_"You're my partner."_

_"I have heard all of this before, and it never amounts to anything. We both agree we're going to stop doing this, but neither of us can. I ask you to make this something more permanent, and you completely ignore me. There is nothing to talk about. This is what we have, right here."_

_She doesn't skip a beat. She doesn't allow herself the time to chicken out. Her heart skips a beat, as she takes a leap of faith, "I'm pregnant."_

_He looks at her, but he doesn't say anything. He studies the expression on her face. It takes him a nanosecond to realize she's not just testing him. The pained expression on her face tells him that she's being serious. He brushes stray hair out of her face. _

_She watches him, but can't decipher what he's thinking. She waits for a response, but he continues to look at her, in silence. _

_"Did you hear me?" she wonders._

_"I heard you."_

_"Say something," she begs._

_"What do you want me to say?"_

_"Anything."_

_"I guess I was wrong," he replies._

_She furrows her brow, "What do you mean?"_

_"Something happened, and it's pretty permanent."_

_"Yeah," she agrees._

_"What does this mean?"_

_"I don't know if it means anything," she admits, "I don't even know if you're the father. You deserved to know that you could be."_

_"I appreciate you being honest with me."_

_"I wish the circumstances were different."_

_"Nothing is perfect."_

_"And, I wish I could have told you sooner."_

_"What do you mean, sooner? How long have you known?"_

_"I've known for a few days."_

_"You needed time to process, I understand that."_

_"I should have known, sooner."_

_He cocks an eyebrow, "Why? How far along are you?"_

_"Twelve weeks."_

_"What do you want me to do?"_

_"I don't want you to do anything. I just wanted you to know."_

_"Olivia why aren't you happy?" he queries._

_"What?" she furrows her brow._

_"You should be happy about this. This is great news. Having a baby is an amazing thing. I know that you have wanted this for a long time. You should be doing back flips, and shouting it from the rooftops."_

_"I can't."_

_"You can't be happy?"_

_"I am afraid."_

_"Of what?"_

_"Everything," she answers._

_"Why?"_

_"I am afraid that something will happen," she admits._

_"Nothing is going to happen," he promises her._

_"But it could."_

_"Olivia you have got to let all of the negativity, you have in your head right now, you have to let it go. Just let yourself be happy."_

_"I don't know who the father is. Do you know how that makes me feel?"_

_"It doesn't matter."_

_"How I feel doesn't matter?" she shakes her head, in disbelief that he would be that cold._

_"It doesn't matter who the father is," he clarifies, "I am not going anywhere, either way."_

_"You say that now, but..."_

_He kisses his forehead, "Olivia not all men run."_

_She doesn't say anything in response. _


	24. Break Your Heart

She feels someone nudging her, in her sleep. She opens her eyes, and finds Nick. She glances at the clock. It's just after one in the morning.

"Olivia wake up."

"Why are you waking me up? It's barely six o'clock," she answers.

"Someone is at the door, can't you hear them knocking?"

"Oh."

"It's probably Brian," he points out.

"I am not answering it," she admits.

"The curtains are drawn, and the window is locked. Olivia I don't think that he is going to let you go."

"I don't want to talk about him."

"What do you want to talk about?" he questions breathing on her neck.

She props her head up on her hand. Her elbow rests on the pillow. Her fingers rest in her hair. He stares into her eyes, waiting for an answer.

"We should finish our conversation from last night," she suggests.

The knocking abruptly ceases. Nick furrows his brow.

"What conversation? We didn't have a conversation last night."

"We didn't?"

He shakes his head, "No. Remember I told you that I didn't want to talk at all."

"And then we woke up, and started talking," she adds.

He shakes his head, "No, we didn't."

"Oh," her heart sinks.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Nothing," she lies.

"You answered too quickly," he confronts her.

"It doesn't matter."

He can see the look of doubt in her eyes. "Liv, whatever it is you can tell me."

"I can't," she argues.

"What could possibly be so bad that you can't tell me?"

"Obviously neither of us are very good at drawing lines. We have crossed so many of them, that I'm not sure we will be ok if we cross any more."

"What are you saying?" he queries trying to read her facial expression.

"Some things are meant to be left unsaid," she responds.

"That is how we always end up in trouble."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"What is it that you do want? Are you ever going to answer that for me?"

"I want you to stay here, right now."

"I'm not going anywhere," he promises pressing his lips against hers. She allows his lips to linger, but when it's over she can feel the void between them filling with things that have been left unsaid. As much as she hates to admit it, he's right. She rolls towards him, and allows his arms to envelope her. And soon sleep envelopes her, too.

* * *

_She finds herself sitting on the bench at a park. She watches kids playing on the playground equipment. A little boy comes running towards her, with a frown, instead of a smile. He stares up at her with dark eyes, and the face of an angel. He has dark curls, and long lashes. She stops next to her. Without a word he takes a seat on the bench, next to her. _

_"Mommy?"_

_"What sweet boy?" she kisses his forehead, but he pushes her away. _

_"What's wrong?" _

_His dark eyes look up at her in confusion. "Where is my daddy?"_

_Olivia looks at him. A sweet five year old with the face of her partner. She feels her heart skip a beat. He doesn't wait patiently._

_"Mommy? Where is he?"_

* * *

She jerks into consciousness, before she can answer him. She sits up, in bed, in a cold sweat. She half expects to find herself in an empty bed. Instead, she finds her partner lying next to her. He looks at her, as he stirs. He whispers softly.

"Shh! Liv it's alright."

She takes a deep breath, and lays back down.

"It's just a bad dream," he insists.

Even as he holds her close, she knows that the sense of uneasiness that she is feeling isn't going anywhere. She knows that her slumber is over. She climbs out of bed, and heads for the bathroom. He looks at her.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to take a shower."

"Liv," he grabs her arm, pulling her towards him.

She takes a seat on the end of the bed.

"What?"

"Why do you always shut me out?"

"I am not shutting you out."

"You shut me out the way that you shut everyone out."

"Nick I don't want to talk about it."

"You never do."

She shakes her head, "You just don't understand."

"Let me get this straight, I am good enough to be in your bed, between your sheets. Yet, somehow I'm not good enough for you to share your thoughts with? You trust me with your life, but you don't trust me with your secrets?"

"It isn't that simple."

He shakes his head, in frustration, "Why does it always have to be so damn complicated with you?"

"I am complicated. You knew that from day one."

"I guess I thought that this was different. I thought I was different."

"What do you mean?"

"I thought that what we had was different. I am not like any of the other guys that you have been with before, am I?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, trying to squirm out of the conversation.

"Why can't you just tell me what is bothering you? Why do you have to keep everyone an arms length away?"

"Nick," she tries to reason with him.

"I am not going to hurt you. I am not going to leave you. I am not going to break your heart. What are you so damn afraid of? I am standing here telling you that I am all in, and you build this wall between us. Just tell me what I am doing wrong."

"You aren't doing anything wrong."

"Why can't you just let me love you?"

"I'm not afraid that you'll leave me. I am not afraid that you'll break my heart. I have a tendency to screw up every good thing I have ever had. What I am most afraid of is that I'll break your heart."

"Liv."

"I don't want you to walk out of my life, because of a mistake that I made."

He furrows her brow, seeing a crack in the surface. He jumps on the opportunity, hoping that he can burrow his way in. "What mistake?" he questions without missing a beat.


	25. Upheaval

Her phone rings, before she has the chance to answer. She slides out of her bed, and takes the call in the other room. She leaves the door open, and he can hear her conversation.

"Benson," she answers, "Speaking. Excuse me? No I heard you the first time. I think that there has been some mistake. Are you sure? Sure, I can come down there and clear it up. Ok, thank you," she hangs up.

She returns to the room, wrapped in her sheet. Nick looks up at her with a questioning look.

"Is everything ok?"

"Yeah."

"It didn't sound like it," he points out.

"You were listening to my conversation?"

"Olivia you left the door open. I couldn't help but hear your conversation. It's not as if I had to strain my ears."

"You should go."

"Why? What's going on?"

"Nothing, I am just getting ready to leave."

"And go where?"

"The hospital."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I am sure that it is just some misunderstanding."

"What kind of misunderstanding? What is going on?"

"I just got a call from Mercy General, telling me that my baby is ready."

"Your baby? What baby?"

"That is a great question."

"Did you ask for a baby?"

Olivia shakes her head, "I looked into adoption years ago. I never went through with any of it, because they told me I would never be selected."

"Then what baby are they talking about?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, "They just told me that supposedly I am the guardian."

"Did someone you know have a baby."

She shakes her head, "No."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"Are you sure about that?" he questions.

"Why would I want you to go with me?"

"What if you go there, and it's not a mix up, and you come home with a baby today. You are going to need help don't you think?"

"No."

"Olivia need I point out that you are grossly unprepared here?"

She cocks an eyebrow, "What the hell is that supposed to me."

"Chill. I just meant that you don't have anything ready for a baby. You don't have a diaper, or a place to put it for that matter."

"You're right."

"So I can go with you?"

"I didn't say that."

"We shouldn't argue about this. You should get in the shower so that you can find out what's going on."

"You're right," she agrees.

"Do you want me to join you?"

"At the hospital? I am pretty sure I just told you that I didn't."

"In the shower," he clarifies.

She groans, "No. I would like five minutes in the shower, by myself."

"Fine," he agrees, "I'll just go home."

* * *

When she arrives at Mercy General, an hour later she finds her partner sitting on a bench, outside, waiting on her. Her nostrils flare. He gets up, as she walks past him towards the entrance. He follows behind her.

"I thought that you were going home."

"I did. I went home, and got a shower, and then came back here to meet you."

"I didn't want you to meet me."

"Too bad."

She rolls her eyes as they enter the building. Olivia steps up the nurse's station. She pulls out her badge, and shows it to the nurse standing in front of her.

"I am Olivia Benson, I received a call," she begins.

"Sophie, from the nursery told us you would be coming. You need to go to the third floor. She'll be waiting for you at the nursery."

"Ok," Olivia agrees.

Nick follows her onto the elevator. She glares at him, as the doors close. When they open he follows her down the hallway. When they reach the pediatric wing Olivia stops in the waiting room.

"I appreciate you concern, and your lack of boundaries, but you have to stay here."

"Liv."

"You stay in the waiting room, or you go home, those are your options," she offers.

"Ok," he agrees sinking into a seat.

Olivia continues down the hall to the nursery. She stops at the door, and presses the buzzer. A young woman exits the nursery. Olivia flashes her badge. The young nurse motions her in. She brings her over to her desk. She points to one of the office chairs. She smiles widely.

"Detective Benson I am Sophie. I called you earlier."

"Like I said I think that there has been some mistake."

"I think that you should have a seat," Sophie suggests.

Olivia nods, and takes a seat. "What's going on, exactly?"

"A young woman gave birth yesterday to a little boy. She said that she couldn't take care of him. She said that you had helped her, and that she wanted you to be her baby's guardian."

"I think you're mistaken."

"I have all of the paperwork here," she points to a manila folder.

"Paperwork?"

"All you have to do is sign the guardianship paperwork. She is in the process of signing over her parental rights completely."

"What is her name?" Olivia asks out of curiosity.

"She asked me not to tell you. Because of HIPPA I can't disclose that."

"How old is she?"

"I can't disclose that either."

"Age range?"

"She is young."

"A minor?"

The nurse nods subtly. "Would you like to see him?"

"I..."

"He's seven pounds eight ounces, a healthy little boy."


	26. Whirlwind

The nurse places the baby in Olivia's arms. He sleeps peacefully. Olivia studies him in silence. He has chubby cheeks, and dimples. She can see thick dark hair under the cap on his head. His chubby hands are curled into fists. She stares at the innocent baby, and she is instantly in love. She looks up at the nurse, trying to hold back tears.

"Does he have a name?'"No. You get to name him."Olivia holds him closely, and listens to him breathe. She suddenly remembers the situation in her own life. She is pregnant. The little boy opens his eyes, and looks up at her. The nurse breaks the silence.

"I know that this is all so sudden. The mother only chose a guardian this morning. I understand if you need some time to think."

"I don't."

"You don't want him?"

Olivia swallows hard, "I do."

Sophie's lips crawl into a smile. "I'll get the paperwork."

Olivia nods. The nurse returns a few moments later with the paperwork.

"Why don't I take him for a minute, while you sign the paperwork?"

Olivia slides the sleeping boy into the nurse's arms. She begins to fill out the paperwork.

"If you don't have a name picked out you can just leave it blank. You have up to a year to choose a name.""Ok," she agrees.

After Olivia finishes the paperwork the nurse hands her the baby. She hands her a black bag.

"This is a bag we give out to all the new parents. It has some samples, and some coupons in it. There are a couple of diapers, a little pack of wipes, some formula, and a bottle. It's not much, but hopefully it will last you until you can get to the store. I know that you weren't prepared to be bringing a baby home today."

"Thank you."

"Congratulations."

Olivia leaves the nursery after the nurse has copied the documents, giving a copy to her. Olivia carries the baby in her arms. He sleeps peacefully, swaddled in her arms. She heads back towards the elevator. Her partner spots her as she passes the waiting area. He joins her in the hallway.

"So there was no confusion?" he questions.

"Apparently not."

"So you're taking a baby home today?"

"Yes," she confirms."

"You don't have anything for a baby."

"I am fully aware of that," she admits.

"Would you like my help?"

"I can't drive home with a baby in my arms," she responds.

He nods, and she hands him her keys. The car ride is silent. She holds him in her arms until they reach home. She doesn't put him down when she enters the apartment. She takes a seat on the couch. Nick takes a seat next to her. He stares at her, in disbelief.

"What just happened?" he questioned.

"I left the apartment empty handed, and came back with a baby."

"You don't have anything."

"I don't want to take him out."

"Does he have a name?"

"Not yet," she admits.

"I think we should rally the troops."

"Rally the troops?" she raises an eyebrow.

"You have to get baby stuff somehow."

"Where am I going to put him?"

"I hear the dishwasher is available," he jokes.

"We have got to do something. I have enough stuff to last a couple of hours."

"I am going to invade your privacy, and tell you business."

"Excuse me?"

"Give me your phone, I am going to go in the other room and make some phone calls on your behalf, and then I am going to go to the store."

"Ok. While you're in the other room will you make the bed?"

"I already did."

Twenty minutes later Nick leaves Olivia's apartment. She is still sitting on the couch when he walks out the door. She stares at the baby, in silence. All of a sudden he starts to cry. She checks her watch.

"You're hungry," she assumes.

She grabs the bottle of formula out of the bag from the hospital. She reads the directions. After following them she places the bottle in his mouth. The crying stops. He looks up at her as he sucks on the bottle. She's just finished burping the baby when someone knocks on her door. She swaddles the sleeping baby, and makes her way to the door. She checks the peephole, and unlocks the door. She pulls the door open, and allows the party on the other side to come in. Cragen steps into the apartment.

"Nick called. I came as soon as I could," he holds out a bag for her.

"What's this?" she questions.

"He told me that you got a call from the hospital and you brought home a baby. He said he didn't have time to explain. He just said that you had nothing, and needed everything, and to bring you something."Olivia holds the baby in one arm, and the bag with the other. She hands Cragen the baby.

"It's just diapers, and wipes, something I know that you can't have too many of. I got newborn. I don't know much about babies."

"That's ok, I appreciate it."

He looks at the baby. "Congratulations, this has been a long time coming.""It is completely surreal," she admits.

"I would imagine. When did you find out?"

"When the hospital called a few hours ago."

"So how long is he yours?"

"The birth mother is surrendering her rights."

"To you?"

"Yes," Olivia nods.

"So, forever?"

"Yes."

"What's his name?"

"He doesn't have one yet. I didn't have time to come up with anything. I didn't want to stick him with a name that I came up with on the fly, so I thought that it would be better just to wait."

"I guess that you're going to need some time off."

She nods, "Among other things."


	27. A lifetime of laughter

After the chaos of the day is over Olivia's living room is full of baby items. She is passed out on the couch with the baby asleep on her chest as Nick sorts through the baby stuff. He sorts baby clothes into a laundry basket along with blankets, and burp pads. He finishes assembling the mini crib, one similar to what might be found in a hotel. He stands up, to stretch his legs, and grabs the phone out of the pocket of his pants. He snaps a picture of mother and baby. He smiles at the scene. Within ten seconds of bringing the little boy home Olivia's maternal instincts kicked in. It is perfectly clear that she is a natural.

An hour later Olivia, and baby are still sound asleep as Nick puts a fitted sheet on the crib mattress. He pushes the portable mini crib into Olivia's room against the wall. He tucks the baby items into a four drawer portable storage tower. Clothes in two of the drawers. Blankets, burp cloths, towels, and bibs in another. Diapers and wipes on the top of the storage tower. He returns to the living room. He reaches out for the baby, attempting to slip him out of Olivia's grip. Olivia's eyes instantly pop open. She looks down at the baby sleeping in her arms, and then up at her partner. She glances at the watch on her wrist.

"What are you still doing here."

"Someone has to take care of you."

"I don't need anyone to take care of me," she argues.

"I was just trying to help. I got all of the bottles sterilized, and all of the clothes, and bedding washed, and dried, and folded. I got the crib put together, and everything put away."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

"Why don't you let me put him in bed?"

"I can do it."

"Olivia it's been a long day, just let me help you."

"I just want to hold him, ok?"

"I understand."

"Nick, you should go."

"Go, where? Don't you think that you are going to need help?"

"As much as I appreciate it, it isn't your place."

"Olivia, come on."

"No," she argues, "this is something that I have to do on my own."

"Why won't you ever let anyone help you?"

"This is something that I want to do on my own."

"Ok," he nods.

"You should go home, and get some sleep, you have to go to work in the morning."

"Yeah," he nods, "Ok."

"Night."

"Goodnight," he bends down, and kisses her lips. With one arm wrapped around her baby, she uses the other one to push him away.

"Don't," she warns.

"Why are you pushing me away?"

She shakes her head, "Because we are not together. We are not in this together."

"You aren't with Brian anymore. I thought that you wanted to be with me."

"We can't be together Nick, it isn't practical. You are my partner. This will only end badly."

"Only if you think that it will."

"Please just go," she begs.

"Fine," he agrees, heading for the door.

He turns and looks at her, just before reaching the door. "Liv?"

"Yeah?" She responds, sitting up, shifting the baby into her arms.

"You'll call if you need anything?"

"Yeah."

"Let me know when you come up with a name for him."

"I already did," she answers.

"That is news to me. I guess that since _we_ aren't together I don't get to be privy to that information."

"Isaac," she reveals.

"I'll see you... when I see you," he pulls the door open, and leaves.

She shudders as he closes the door. She gets up off the couch, and locks the door behind him. She stares at the baby in her arms. He opens his eyes, and blinks. She kisses his chubby cheeks, and moves into the kitchen to make a bottle for him. After feeding him, and changing him she places him in his crib.

She heads into the bathroom, leaving the door open, as she takes a quick shower. She goes to bed with wet hair. She has barely fallen asleep when the crying baby wakes her up.

* * *

The next morning she wakes up for the day, completely exhausted. She stands in front of the crib, wearing her pajamas. She stares down at the perfect little boy. She lifts him out of the crib. He stares up at her, as he is swaddled in a green thermal blanket with little white stars on it.

"Good morning handsome boy," she smiles.

* * *

Five weeks later she finds a baby sleeping on her chest, when the alarm clock goes off. She looks down at him. His ear is pressed against her chest. His feet rest on her stomach. She looks past his feet at her stomach. It is covered by a loose fitting t-shirt, but even so the bump underneath is noticeable to her.

She gets up, and gets dressed. She takes care of her son, and looks around her new apartment. The past weeks have brought a multitude of changes. A new apartment, with more space, more bedrooms, and a bigger price tag. She has taken a step back from her job, and put space between herself, and her partner. She has only seen him a handful of times since bringing Isaac home. As she heads down the hallway, and hands her baby boy to the baby sitter her stomach twists into knots.

She leaves the building, and heads to work. As she rides the elevator alone, she tugs at the tail of her shirt. She buttons the middle button on her three buttoned blazer. She prays that no one notices. She takes a deep breath as the elevator doors open. She steps off, and heads into the squad room.

Her Captain exits the office, and greets her. He wears a smile on his face. His grin stretches ear to ear.

"Olivia I didn't expect you back for a while."

"I know, but it was time."

"You have plenty of time that you could have taken."

"I know, but I have a child now. I think it would be wiser to save it in case something happens, and I need it."

"Whatever you want. I am glad to have you back."

She pulls out her phone, anticipating his question. She unlocks the screen, and shows him the latest picture. Don stares at the screen.

"He's perfect."

"Did I mention that the adoption was finalized?"

He shakes his head, "No. So he's yours free and clear?"

She nods, "Yeah."


	28. Opening Doors

Amanda eyes her from the corner of the room. They have been busy all day, but finally things are winding down. Olivia looks down at her watch. It is almost quitting time. She exhales, thankful she has successfully made it through her first day. She grabs her stuff, and leaves the room, after completing her paperwork. She hops on the elevator. Just before the doors closes someone slides through them. Amanda looks over at her, as the doors close.

"So how is Isaac?"

"Perfect," Olivia admits.

"How long to you plan on avoiding the elephant in the room?"

Olivia shakes her head, "What do you mean?"

"Olivia talk to me."

"About what, Rollins? There is nothing to talk about."

"So you're just going to pretend that nothing has changed?"

"Everything has changed. I have a son now, and my priorities are different."

"That isn't what I meant, and you know it."

"What do you want me to say?"

"The truth," Amanda responds.

Olivia silently curses the elevator for taking such a long time. "About what?"

The doors open before Amanda can answer. Olivia exits the elevator, and makes a beeline for the exit. Amanda follows after her. Once they are out of the precinct, and onto the sidewalk Amanda catches up with her. She follows her towards Olivia's car.

"Are you going to tell your partner?" Amanda queries.

"There is nothing to tell."

"Really?" Amanda raises an eyebrow.

"Drop it," Olivia begs.

"You can't hide everything that is going on in your life, right now, behind your badge. You have to tell him."

"I am not going to tell him."

"So did you tell the captain?"

"No," Olivia shakes her head.

"How much longer do you think that you can keep it a secret?"

"As long as I feel the need to."

"Then I suggest that you get a little bit more creative at hiding it."

"What do you mean?"

"Olivia it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out."

"Amanda, I don't want to have this conversation right now. I have to get home to Isaac."

"And it is obvious to me that you are farther along than you originally thought."

"I am not going to do this," Olivia opens the car door, and climbs inside.

* * *

Within a couple of hours she is on the couch, with a baby drooling as he lies with his head against her chest. Olivia's legs are stretched out in front of her, but she sits against the arm of the couch. Even though Isaac sleeps against her chest, with his legs resting against her stomach it is impossible to miss. She vacates her seat on the couch, and carries Isaac to his crib. She places him inside, and leaves the room. She finds herself in the bathroom. She stands in front of the mirror. She faces the mirror, staring, subconsciously at her stomach. She turns to the side, and it is even more evident. It has been six weeks since she found out. She is nearly halfway through her pregnancy, already. She is the definition of high risk.

She knows that Cragen is going to rip her a new one when he finds out. He won't be angry that she is pregnant. He will be angry that she chose to remain in the field. He will be livid that she chose to withhold that kind of information from him. She leaves the bathroom, and heads into her room. She reaches into the drawer of the bedside stand. She takes a seat on the edge of the bed, with the picture in her hands. She studies the picture closely.

The image is from two weeks earlier. She stares at an angelic face. She flips to the next picture. She swallows hard, as the cold, hard truth looks back at her. She shudders at the thought of how her future is going to turn out. She wonders how she is going to pull it off. Being a single mother to one child is tough enough. She puts the pictures away, as someone starts knocking on the door.

She heads for the door, hoping to prevent the baby from waking. She looks through the peephole, and pulls the door open, after unlocking it. Her partner steps inside. She looks at him questioningly.

"What are you doing here?"

He stares at her, but doesn't answer. She follows his gaze, realizing that she has changed her clothes since leaving work. Now she wears a tight fitting t-shirt. She swallows hard, praying that he hasn't noticed, knowing that he has.

"Nick?"

He looks up at her face, and says nothing.

"Are you ok?" she questions.

He nods, "I cam over here to talk to you. I wanted to clear the air about some things. I was hoping to be able to fix things..." he trails off.

"Oh."

He looks past her, towards the couch, "Do you mind if I sit down?"

She shakes her head, "No, go ahead."

He moves past her, and takes a seat on the couch. She joins him in the living room, taking a seat on the arm of the couch. He looks up at her.

"Is there something that you want to tell me?"

She shakes her head, "There is something that I don't want to tell you."

"Tell me anyway," he begs, in a solemn tone.

She swallows hard, knowing that there is no choice but to tell the truth, "I'm pregnant."

"I can see that. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It is complicated," she admits.

"How far along are you?"

"Eighteen weeks," she responds.

"And you never once considered mentioning it?"

"I haven't seen you in weeks."

"That shouldn't matter. I am your partner. It is my job to protect you."

"I couldn't tell you."

"Why not?"

"I didn't want you to get your ass ripped for knowing."

He shakes his head, in disbelief, "You didn't tell the captain, yet?"

"No."

"Olivia come on."

"I am not ready to tell him yet.""You are being reckless."

"No, I'm not," she argues.

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"When?"

He shrugs, "When you found out. Before you went on maternity leave. Anytime would have been fine."

"I only found out six weeks ago."

"What?"

"I didn't know," she admits.

"How could you not know?"


	29. Wonderful Life

"I hadn't been sick."

"But there are other signs."

"I didn't have any other signs."

"What about when you missed your period?"

"Nick I work sixty to seventy hours a week. At my age I really wasn't that concerned."

"Why not?"

"Because I never considered the possibility that I could even get pregnant."

"Oh."

"I am sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but I needed some time to get used to the idea, myself."

"I can't believe that you're pregnant."

"Neither can I."

"How are you planning on making this work? Being a single parent to one kid is hard enough. You are going to have two kids under the age of one. Are you sure that you can do this?"

She shakes her head, "Not at all."

"You are going to need help."

"Obviously, I am going to be outnumbered three to one."

He cocks an eyebrow, "Come again? What do you mean outnumbered three to one?"

"Never mind.""Three to one? You only have one, now. So..."

"I'm having twins," she reveals.

"What?!"

"I don't know how it happened."

"Who is the father? Is it Brian?"

She shrugs, "Does it matter?"

"Is it me?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know. Are you serious right now? You don't know who it is?"

"I'm sorry."

"Did you tell him?"

She shakes her head, "No, and I am not going to. He made it pretty clear that he doesn't want kids."

"Maybe he would come around."

"I don't want someone in their lives that is going to resent them. I think that we are all better off without him."

"What does your gut tell you?"

"That I shouldn't have been so stupid," she answers.

"Didn't you use protection?"

"Every single time."

"Then how did this happen?"

"Obviously it didn't work."

"Do you know if they are identical, or fraternal?"

"I don't know."

"Didn't you have an amniocentesis done?"

"No."

"Why not? Isn't standard practice?"

"I opted not to have one."

"Why not?"

"Because it doesn't matter."

"How can you say that?"

"I have wanted this for so long. It wouldn't matter if they came out green with blue stripes. It wouldn't change me wanting them.""You could have it done to determine paternity. Wouldn't it be easier if you knew?"

"I have made up my mind that I am going to do this on my own."

"How? How are you possibly going to take care of three infants on your own? It is impossible. I am telling you that you are going to need help."

"And, I am telling you that I don't want any."

"Too bad."

"Excuse me?"

"You don't really think that they are Brian's do you?"

"Maybe part of me hopes that they're not."

"Because you don't love him?"

"If they're his, and he finds out..."

"You're afraid that he'll change his mind about wanting kids?"

"Why would I be afraid of that?"

"Because you don't want to be stuck in a relationship with him. You don't want to feel obligated to him, because you don't love him."

"Nick," she tries to reason.

"He would want to get married."

"Probably."

"And you would feel as if you owed it to them to give them a home with two parents."

"You don't know that," she argues.

"I know you. I know that you would never be happy, and that isn't fair to anyone."

"Life isn't always fair," she points out.

"Olivia I know that I am your partner, and..."

She cuts him off, "Stop right there. Nick I don't expect you to do anything. I don't want either of us to lose our jobs. I think that it is best for the both of us if we just forget that any of this ever happened."

"How do you expect to do that? You really want me to pretend like none of this happened? Olivia, you're pregnant. And, I'm pretty sure that we both know they are mine."

"We don't know that," she argues.

"Why do you refuse to see that we are supposed to be together?"

"You're my partner," she reminds him.

He steps forward. He places his fingers under her chin, tilting it upward. She freezes, unable to resist. He presses his lips to hers. She doesn't stop him. Her heart skips a beat, as his hand moves towards the small of her back. He looks into her eyes, as she kiss ends.

"Tell me that you don't want this."

She doesn't say a word, she just pulls him towards her. She kisses him. She untucks his shirt, and begins to un button it. She tosses it on the floor. She sighs in frustration that he always wears another shirt under his button down. He lifts her shirt over her head, between kisses. He kisses her neck, as she slips his wife beater off him. He reaches for her next article of clothing. And then the mood is killed in a split second. She pulls away. She looks at him, in disbelief. He smiles at her, touching her face.

"Go," he whispers.

She leaves the room, heading towards her number one man. She enters the bedroom, to soothe the crying baby. She lifts him out of the crib, and leaves the room. Without a word Nick slips the squalling baby out of her arms. She slips her shirt back on. She heads into the kitchen to make a bottle. As the bottle sits inside the bottle warmer she looks over at Nick. He stands in her living room, with her son in his arms. He smiles at the little boy, despite his impeccable timing, and the fact that he has completely interrupted them.


	30. Nondisclosure

She lies in silence in her bed. She finds a hand on her stomach that doesn't belong to her. She looks over at the opposite side of the bed, in the moonlight streaming in from the window. Between them lies a little boy.

"Are you sleeping?" she questions softly.

"No, you?"

"No."

"Olivia get some rest we have to work in the morning."

"Nick I don't know how to make this work. This whole situation is so complicated. You are my partner, and everything that happened after that is wrong. We crossed a lot of lines. I don't want to live a lie, but if we tell the truth our entire careers are put in jeopardy."

"Olivia it is too late to be worrying about that now."

"We have reached a point of no return. We didn't disclose. Neither of us asked for a transfer. I mean there is no denying our wrongdoing. There is no hiding the fact that we were together for a while."

"I know."

"This job, it is the only one I have ever dreamed of doing. I am not ready to give that up."

"So you want to hide from the world? Haven't we done that long enough? You made me climb down the fire escape."

"We have been reckless."

"When? This was an accident."

"I know. I'm still not sure how this happened."

"Obviously we weren't as careful as we thought that we were."

"We used protection every time," he points out.

"Something happened," she admits.

"It doesn't matter."

"I was worried about getting caught, when you convinced me..." she trails off.

"The locker room? Maybe that is when this happened."

"No, this happened before that, I just didn't know it, yet. We could have gotten caught then. We should have known better."

"We did, but sometimes some things are just meant to be."

"Do you really believe that?" she inquires.

"Of course I do."

"But why? Nick sometimes I wonder if all of this was a mistake. It almost feels like a punishment for doing something that we both knew was wrong."

"That is how you are looking at this? You think this is a punishment? Olivia you have always wanted to be a mother. How is that a punishment?"

She shrugs, "I don't know. I just didn't picture it like this."

"Like what?"

"I don't know what I pictured," she admits.

"Are you planning on hiding this? You want to pretend that I'm not part of this?"

"Nick I am just trying to protect you. I want us both to keep our jobs. I think that it is better if we don't say anything. I think we should keep this between us."

"You want to cover up a lie with another lie? Sometimes I feel like I don't even know you," he reveals.

"Nick I didn't mean it like that."

He argues, "Yes you did. What are you going to tell people? I mean obviously at some point you will have to tell them that you're pregnant. Are you going to say it was a sperm donor? They are going to think that you are out of your mind to want to be a single parent to three kids under the age of one. Why are you trying to cut me out?"

"I'm not."

"That is what it feels like."

"Nick I am afraid what will happen if people find out."

"Like who?"

"I don't know, maybe your wife. Nick you are technically still married, aren't you? Not to mention our boss. What about IAB? They are going to rip us apart. What if they throw out convictions of guilty people, because of what we did?"

"That isn't going to happen."

"It could. We could lose our badges. We could lose our pensions, and then what? How are we going to make it, if we don't have jobs? You already have a son, and a daughter to worry about. I have a son. Soon enough we are going to have two more kids that we have to take care of. That is going to be damn near impossible if we don't have jobs."

"Olivia we will figure it out."

"How? I would rather lie, and be able to put food on the table, than tell the truth and be out on the street. It isn't just us that we have to think about now."

"I think that trying to cover this up is the wrong move. If you think that I am going to pretend I am not the father, you're wrong. I won't do that. I am going to be there for them, just like I am going to be here for you. Olivia we need to tell the truth. We need to set an example."

"This is going to be a nightmare."

"Why don't you want to be happy?"

"I do."

"And yet you try to sabotage every good relationship that you have. You always try to push everyone away. Why do you do that? Can't you accept the fact that someone is going to come along, and they aren't going to leave you? Olivia I am not going to leave you. I want to be with you."

"You're still married," she reminds him.

"My divorce was finalized over a month ago."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't think that I had to. I took my ring off. I finally realized that I couldn't stay married because I didn't want my daughter to come from a broken home. That wasn't a good enough reason. I didn't want to lie to her. I didn't want her to think that what I was doing was ok. I couldn't stay married when I was in love with someone else. That isn't right."

"Nick," she tries to reason with him.

"Olivia I just wish that once you would try to see things my way."

"And how is that? What do you think is going to happy? Do you think we're going to turn into the Brady Bunch, and live happily ever after?"

"Why are you so angry? What did I do wrong?"

She exhales, "I am angry at myself. I am angry at the way this all happened. I just feel like it's another thing I didn't do right."

"That is what this is all about? Olivia you're right we both crossed a line. We both did something we shouldn't have. Not everything in life is about being right, or wrong. It's about repairing the things that are broken. I feel like you try to distance yourself from me. I can't understand why. I love you."

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe that scares me."

"Why would it scare you? It should make you happy."

"My entire life everyone who I have ever loved has left me. It is hard for me..."

He cuts her off, "I am younger than you, so I will probably outlive you. You don't have to worry about me leaving you. I am not going anywhere. Stop being afraid that someone is going to hurt you, or leave you. Olivia sometimes you just have to live your life. Maybe this is a second chance. It's a late start to what you should have had all along. You have always wanted a family. Now is your chance."

"I didn't have any role models to show me how to make a relationship work. I am really bad at it. You are absolutely right, I push people away. I hold things in that I should say. I can't promise you that I can make this work, no matter how badly I want to."

"I can promise you that I'm not going to let you go anywhere."


	31. Rattled

She's sitting at her desk working on paperwork, when she hears the door of her captain's office open. She looks up, as he stands in the doorway.

"Benson can I see you for a minute?"

She pushes her chair out, and makes her way to his office. He waits for her, holding onto the door. She enters the office, and he closes the door behind her. He points to a chair in front of his desk.

"Have a seat," he insists.

She reluctantly takes a seat in the chair. He leans against his desk, with his arms folded across his chest.

"What's going on?" she questions.

"That's what I want to know," he replies.

She furrows her brow, "What do you mean."

"Is there something that you want to tell me?"

"Like what?"

"Olivia I am giving you a chance to come clean, I suggest that you use it."

"About what?"

"What's going on in your personal life right now?"

"What personal life? I have a two month old baby at home."

"Olivia," he says sternly.

"What is it that you think is going on?"

"Liv I have waited for you to feel ready to tell me, but some things just can't be ignored any longer."

"What things?"

"I know that you don't want to be on desk duty, but it is department policy. Olivia it's time to confess," he insists.

She nods, "Captain, I'm pregnant."

"I know. I've known since you came back from leave three weeks ago."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I was waiting for you to tell me."

"I'm sorry. I haven't really told anyone. I just wanted to make sure that everything was ok before I said anything."

"How far along are you?"

"About five months," she reveals.

"Five months? Olivia why didn't you tell me before you went on leave?"

"Because I didn't find out until I was three months along."

He shakes his head, "So this wasn't planned?"

"No," she admits.

"I think that we should just leave it at that, for now."

"There's more."

"Olivia... I don't think that I want to know."

"I'm having twins," she admits.

"Twins? Wow."

"I am sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but you know how I feel about desk duty."

"You will get over it," he insists.

"I am sure that I will," she agrees.

"I'm not going to ask who the father is."

"You should," she tells him.

"Why?"

"I don't want you to be blindsided."

"I am really hoping that it is Brian."

"I doubt it."

"You doubt it? You're telling me that it could be him, but there is another candidate?"

"It is really complicated."

"For who?"

"Everyone involved," she admits.

"Why?"

"Because of who he is," she answers.

"Please tell me that it's not the D.A."

"It is definitely not him."

Don swallows hard, "But I get the impression that it is someone that you work with."

"Captain maybe you shouldn't ask," she changes her mind.  
"Olivia whoever it is, we will deal with it."

"You aren't going to like it," she points out.

"I don't always like the things that you do."

"You really aren't going to like this," she continues.

"Tell me anyway. Olivia who have you been seeing, that could possibly be the father of your unborn babies?"

"My partner."

"What?!"

"Nick," she reveals.

"Nick? Olivia, why? You could not make this situation any more complicated."

"I'm not sure about that."  
"What do you mean?"

"We're still..."

He shakes his head, "Just stop."

"He's planning on moving in with me."

"I think that this conversation is over," he tells her.

She quickly vacates her chair, and leaves the room.

* * *

Hours later she's at home. She heads into her room, and peaks into the crib. The little boy inside looks up at her.

"Hi handsome," she smiles.

He smiles back at her, and squeals loudly. She scoops him up into her arms. She gives him a kiss on the forehead. He smells like baby lotion. She looks at her watch.

"Are you hungry?"

She carries him into the kitchen to make a bottle. She's sitting on the couch with him asleep in her arms when someone knocks on the door. She leaves her seat on the couch. She holds the baby in one arm as she opens the door. She steps aside so a familiar figure can enter the apartment. She closes the door behind him.

"I was expecting you earlier," she admits.

Nick nods, "I thought that I would be here sooner."

"What's going on?"

"I got called into the captain's office before I left."

"I meant to warn you about that."

"You told him?"

"Yeah," she confirms.

"He's pissed at both of us."

"I know."

"I think that I am probably going to have to transfer."


End file.
